Phone rings and I pick it up – hello ………….

“P” Guess what

Me; what

“P” this fuckin lottery

Me; what lottery

“P” THE lottery

Me; what about it

“P” you won’t believe it – YOU WONT FUCKIN BELIEVE IT

Me; go on I’m listening

“P” number 39 cum up

Me; is that good ?

“P” is it FUCK I got 29

Me; oh ok and…………

“P” 20 came up

Me; and?

“P” I got bastard 19

Me; shame that’s close

“P” well listen to THIS I was one fuckin bastard number away from 33

Me; that’s close

“P” just can’t believe my fuckin twattin bad luck I did 47 and forty fuckin 6 came up

Me; you just can’t win can ya

“P” Tell me bout it – bunch of bastards they are I hate that fuckin lancelot

Me; Lancelot ???????

“P” the fuckin ball machine its fuckin useless

Me; not to worry it’s not like you were close


“P” I put 17 and fuckin 7 came out and I put bastard 9 and they pull out fuckin 10

Me; so you didn’t win then

“P” course I fuckin won

Me; hang on – repeats all the above to her and says “how you work that one out”

“P” You bein thick on purpose or fuckin wat – I came up with three fuckin numbers on Irish Lottery and won 40 quid.

“P” will do same numbers next fuckin week ya never know do ya

Me; Can I rush for the call ?????????????

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Me & “P” The Hormone Patch

This was one of the first times I experienced “P” and (as was to become a regular occurrence) was left gobsmacked. I had just got back into UK after living abroad for several years. I had met her a few times and had enjoyed her company and her sense of humour. I invited her up from where she lives to stay for a weekend at mine along with some other friends.

Whilst I had been overseas I had obtained (private healthcare) HRT patches, and I had brought a 12 month supply back with me – I also didn’t know that they were not available over here. “P” didn’t swear much then mainly because she didn’t know me that well. At that point in my life I had very long naturally curly thick auburn hair.

“P” Why does your hair look so shiny seeing as yous been in a hot country yous think it would be dead dry

Me; I think it’s down to the hormone patches

“P” and your skin is dead healthy looking

Me; is it, it must be the patches then

“P” what patches

Me; the HRT patches I use

“P” whats them then

Me; I have HRT to boost my hormone levels

“P” Hormone levels whats them about

Me; well my doc overseas tested my hormone levels and they were very low, so I’m on the patches

“P” never heard of em – whats them about then

Me; I’ve just told you – they raise my hormone levels to “normal” mine went to low

“P” and they do that to ya hair and skin

Me; yeah apparently it’s a side effect as far as I know

“P” ohhhhh

“P” can I have one

Me; have one what

“P” one of them patch things, me hairs a right mess

Me; they are not for your hair they are for your hormones

“P” Well mine must be low cause me hairs a right show

Me; it’s not about your hair, I can’t give you them just for your hair, you have to get checked out by a doctor first.

“P” Well my doctor is a right prick – he hates me

Me; Huh?

To cut a long drawn out conversation short, she convinces me to let her have one patch, so I show her how to put it on her arm and scheme it can’t do much harm its only hormones. The next day……..

“P” those patches are not so hot I’ve lost the one you gave me

Me; how can you lose it?

“P” dunno it’s come of – I had a shower and its fell of and I can’t find it – I’ve looked everywhere

Me; it shouldn’t do that

“P” well can I have another one cause it hardly had time to work

So I give her another one, and she promply slaps it on her arm – the upshot is she talked me into giving her 10 of them (one a week) and of she goes home. Three weeks later she comes to visit me again……….

“P” those patches are a waste of bloody space

Me; why ??

“P” can’t keep em on, every time I have a shower they fall of and I can’t bleedin find them so I have to put another on

Me; Naw that can’t happen – are you putting them on right

“P” Well I peel the backing of and slap em on me arm what else is there to do wiv em

Me; I don’t understand it, mine have never fall off

“P” they crap so I can’t be arsed wiv em anymore – but me hairs looking and feelin a bit better

Me; how can it be if you losing them

“P” dunno but me hairs a lot better

Me; let’s have a look at your arm maybe something is wrong with your skin

“P” (glaring at me) aint nothing wrong wiv my skin you cheeky swine

Me; Don’t be so touchy – I’m not saying there is anything wrong with your skin I just can’t understand why they are not sticking to you.

“P” takes of her shirt top and throws her arm at me like an avenging sword – see nowt wrong wiv me skin

Me; checks her arm and she’s right not a patch on it and her skin looks fine – BUT as she turns around to put the shirt back on I notice something on her back – hang on a minute I say to her – keep still – I go to check her back and there all over it are 9 patches, all stuck solid – I start to panic and try to rip them off, she is squealing like a stuffed pig and the air turns blue.


Me; they are all over your back no wonder you couldn’t find them

“P” what’s all over me back

Me’ the bloody patches – jesus you have 9 of them on there no wonder your hair is feeling better oh my god you may have overdosed on them – I think we should call a doctor and ask – just to be sure you are ok

“P” Fuck that – its doin me hair the world of good – leave em on

What had actually happened is that every time “P” had put on a patch – she then had a shower, and the patch had “moved” onto varies parts of her back. The patch had not had time to “stick” properly hence she thought they had all fallen of and got lost, she couldn’t feel them on her back.

One after the other and with “P” doing her best to stop me – I peeled the lot of and told her she is not having anymore and that’s THAT.

“P” you’re a miserable tight fisted sod – for fucks sakes I’ve had worse drugs than them in me time but none of em have ever made me hair look so fuckin good – I’m goin to the shop for some fags mutter mutter “patches – who wears fuckin patches anyhow” mutter mutter screw her and her fuckin patches mutter mutter “she can shuv em up her arse” mutter mutter mutter …………………….

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Atos: How are you today

P: Why who wants to fuckin know

Me: be nice P she only asking how you are

P; why wats it got to do wiv her?

Atos; Can you answer the telephone and how do you answer it?

P; yeah – whoever yous is fuck of and leave me alone

Atos; not what I was actually asking but lets try again

P; try wat again?

Me; P don’t get upset now she only asking simple question

Atos; (looking at me) thank you

Atos; (staring intently at puter screen) I would like to know do you watch tv

P; WAT WAT TV course I watch the fuckin tv (looks at me) is she fucking mental

Atos; what tv programmes do you like to watch

P; criminal minds, CSA and crime watch – but I don’t take it all in

Atos; (coughing rather harshly) ok now can I ask you is your friend here your friend


P; W T wat you mean is she my friend course she my bleedin friend

Atos; Well what I mean is is she MORE than just a friend

P; dunno wat ya mean

Me; (getting the picture) sez nowt

Atos; well some people are friends and some people are more than just friends

P; (winding up a treat now stands up and heads to the desk where unfortunate Atos is sitting) what you sayin – you askin me if im one of dem der friggin lesions (means lesbians) you cheeky c*nt

Atos; err no no not necessarily – let’s leave that one

Me; starts laughin and tries very hard not to show it

Atos; please sit down P (then glares at me)

Atos; let me ask you P do you often get aggressive

P; who me ? Wat you mean do I get fuckin aggressive

Atos; well have you ever been admitted to any hospital for agressivness

P; you callin me a fuckin loony are ya – NO I AVNT BIN IN ANY FUCKIN HOSPITAL ALRIGHTTTTT

P; you better watch you sayin or I’ll give ya a fuckin slap

Atos; how would you feel about going to work

P; who ya talkin to NOW

Atos; You P

P; I aint going to work me feet are bad

P; tell her sue tell her how bad me feet are

Me; ok P ok – calm down

Me; her feet are bad – really bad

Atos; think we can end this part of the interview for now


Atos; Now P tell me, what would you do if you got lost or were trying to find your way to somewhere you have not been before ?

P; dunno

Atos; Well think about – you are lost and you want to find where to go

P; I suppose I’d keep quiet like

Atos; I beg your pardon

P; I’d keep quiet

Atos; (looking at me very puzzled) why would you keep quiet, wouldn’t you ask somebody directions

P; no

Atos; so how would you find your way to where you want to go

P; (looks at me and shakes head) I’D KEEP BLEEDIN QUIET

Atos; you’re getting aggressive again P

P; no but you’d try the patience of fuckin saint

Atos; I’m not understanding why you would keep quiet

P; (again looks at me and this time looks up to the heavens) cause I’d be in either me sisters car or sue’s car and they have a sat nav so I’d keep fucking quiet so they could hear what the sat nav was saying so we wouldn’t get FUCKIN LOST – jesus are you thick or summat !

Atos; oh ok (shakes head and looks at me AGAIN)

3rd PART OF INTERVIEW – “Daily Business”

Atos; Well P we are doing very well – now – let’s ask how you go about your daily business

P; it aint none of yours for a start you nosey tw*t

Me; P she only asking you a polite question

P; yeah right go on then (looks at Atos)

Me; tells P to shut up and listen

Atos; do you go out alone are you happy to be on your own outside your home


Atos; looking intently at P waiting for further information

P; none forthcoming

P; look at me and says “I only came here for me fuckin feet”

Atos; Ok P let’s say you are going to the shops

P; when? cause it won’t be today will it with all the time wasting yous are doin

Atos; I won’t be too long now just a few more questions

P; whatever – if I go to the shops then I go wiv me sister

Atos; So what you are saying is that you don’t go out alone

P; NOOOOOOOOOOOO I go wiv me sister how many more fuckin times

Atos; Where do you go

P; Adsa and Aldi

Atos; and do you go into asda and aldi or do you stay in the car

P; (tuts very loudly) I go in wiv her – been waiting to see if those bleeding pork chops are on special again but they weren’t, so I got some bacon instead

Atos; ok ok where do you go alone

P; nowhere – I don’t like people they bump into me and feel like I wanna tw*t em

Atos; so you get aggressive

P; whats all this wiv the fuckin agression – I came her about me feet

Atos; ok we have done the “going out” what about when you are at home

P; what about it

Atos; well let’s say somebody knocks on your door – how do you deal with that

P; All depends who it is, if it’s that bleeding tv licence guy again I fuck him right of there’s nowt worth watching on that fucking thing – just told him like – no you can’t come in ive got visitors and if he shows me up in front of me visitors then he will piss me right of and he must come back another time – then I shut the door

Atos; (totally gob smacked) oh ok I think we will leave it at that

P; you wanna try that aldi at ********** its bleeding good value you know

Me; just wet myself

4th PART OF INTERVIEW – The Doctors Report

P; right are we done

Atos; Not quite

P; fuckin-ell how much more

Me; Shut up

P; why what have I said

Me; to much – way too much

Atos; Lets go onto your illness

P; yeah me feet – bloody hurt summat awful

Atos; Well your doctor’s report doesn’t say anything about your feet

P; then he’s a lyin tw*t cause he hates me

Me; she doesn’t need to hear that and he doesn’t hate you

P; the tw*t does and I hate him as well

Atos; what exactly is wrong with your feet

P; they fuckin hurt and that doctor is a lying low life bastard tw*t

Atos; (looking totally unsure of herself) have you seen a specialist

P; yep – he said me deafness is definite and I got a hearing aid but the fuckin things to loud its blowing me ear drums out

Atos; I was talking about a specialist over your feet

P; I’ve just told ya

Atos; Lets go back to your feet what exactly is the problem with them

P; I’ve t-o-l-d youssssssss they hurt like fuck

Atos; How and where does it hurt?

P; (another extremely loud TUT) where dya think it hurts you idiot – on ME FUCKING FEET

Atos; but there is nothing in your doctor’s report that mentions your feet or to say there is anything wrong with them

P; I told yous that fuckin doctor hates me he’s done it on purpose how the fuck do I know whats wrong wiv em if he won’t tell me – I’m going to that fucking surgery when I get outta here and im gonna fuckin tw*t him puttin me through this shit – I hate him

Atos; we need to sort this out tell me how and where your feet hurt you and does the pain restrict your walking

P; listen im struggling to hear ya, can ya turn that bloody radio of

Atos; what radio (looking around her)

P; THAT ONE THERE on ya desk

Atos; (looks all around her desk stumped) I can’t see any radio P

P; jesus there there THERE – (and points to air dehumifyer) either turn it up or turn the fucking thing of that buzzing noise is drivin me to fuckin drink

Atos; drops her pen, and sits there looking at “P” absolutely stunned !!!!!!!


5th PART OF INTERVIEW- Housing Association

RESUMED INTERVIEW (only after I’ve told P to be clear in her answers and to stop swearing, also to keep focused)

Atos; Hello again P just want to ask do you live alone

P; yep

Atos; how do you cope in the home

P; drives me bleedin nutz

Atos; Do your feet cause you any problems in the home

P; (looks at her like she an alien) me feet ? no not me feet – the bastard house

Atos; Do you think you could explain

P; Well it’s that twattin housing association,

Atos; (looks blank at P) housing association?

P; tuts very loudly – yeah they hate me and I hate them

Me; (thinks – here we go again – she’s on a roll)

Me; focus ‘P’ focus

P; I am I am

Atos; so you live alone – how do you cope in your home, do you have any difficulties

Me: (rolls my eyes and prays to the gods)

P; difficulties you don’t know the arf of it that twattin housing association drives me MAD you wanna know what they did ?? Bunch ‘o’ bastards they are

Atos; Im not sure if I do I think we must get back to the subject in hand

P; I aint got nothing in me hand (holds hands up in air)

Me; P she isn’t asking you if you have anything in your hands

P; ok – I see she turned that bleedin radio of

Atos; Lets go onto something else shall we

P; if ya want – cause you getting me started on that twattin housing association and i cant cope wiv it

Atos; Actually I think we have done as much as we can

P; thank fuck for that me tennis elbow is killin me – hey you not asked me about me tennis elbow

Atos; that’s all for now I think I have another appointment and I am running late

P; (looks at me and says) jesus they drag you in ere for a bloody medical and don’t even let a person explain what the fuck is wrong with em

Me; can we go now

P; yeah you wasted a lot of my time today don’t you have better stuff to do than mither me

As we left the room – P – as usual – left her scarf on her chair – she promptly turns around just as the Atos woman comes out of same room and P runs in and get her scarf, meanwhile I’m watching Atos woman as she goes to the reception and asks for a strong painkiller because she has got a thumping headache, P (now with me) hears this and offers her some paracetamol and tells her “I don’t know how you do this fuckin job – you must get some right nutters …………………………………………….END OF INTERVIEW….. in the car on way home ‘P’ turns to me and says “think i did ok there but for fuckssake for a medical they dont let you answer do they?

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A Trip to the Bank

After several months of “P” telling me that her phone company were ripping her off (and other descriptive verbal assaults on them) and after months and months of me telling “P” she needs to set up a Direct Debit to pay them then she wouldn’t be losing receipts of payments, would not have to remember the date the bill was due, wouldn’t have to schlep to the shops to pay it and finally would give me a bit of peace over the whole damn thing. I finally get her to go into the bank and I go along with her as we have had a zillion conversations about the difference between what is a “Direct Debit” and a “Debit Card” and all have ended with either me or “P” slamming the phone down and promptly heading for the paracetamol bottle. We enter the bank;

“P”; Where do I go

Me; To the teller

“P” Where the fuck is THAT

Me; there – over there (pointing to the “teller”)

“P” Ok – she looks a right fuckin piece of work

Me; (looking round) who?

“P” her – pointing to the said teller woman

Me; You cant say that you not even got to her yet

“P” Yeah well watch and see they always treat me like im fuckin idiot

Me; Not today they wont – trust me

“P” (to teller) I wanna pay me phone bill by “Direct Debit Card”

Teller; Im sure we can help you

“P” good

Teller; Do you have an account with us

“P” Wouldn’t fuckin be here if I didn’t

Me; Don’t start

“P” Well what a fuckin stupid question – would I be here if I didn’t have a twattin account

Me; ok ok we get it – don’t start

Teller; (sitting patiently and smiling at “P”) right do you have a Debit Card

“P” (looks at me) do I ?

Me; yep its that one in your hand

“P” (passes under the glass to the teller – BIG grin on her face) there ya go there it is

Teller; (pushes it back to her) I don’t need it but If you could pop into the machine there

“P” why fuckin ask me for it if you don’t need it – (looks at me) HERE WE FUCKIN GO

Me; what she wants you to do is put it in the machine and tap in your pin number

“P” why – if I do that she can nick me money

Me; she aint interested in your money she needs you to do it so she can set up the direct debit on your account

“P” I just wanna pay the fuckin phone bill without me head getting twatted

Me; we getting it sorted to do just that – now shut up and listen to the woman

Teller; Is there a problem

Me; No no don’t worry she couldn’t hear you properly that’s all


“P” I FUCKIN HEARD YA THE 1ST TIME (in even louder voice)

Me; does impression of Lurch from Adams Family when he does that “moaning noise”

“P” Listen yous (pointing her finger “loudly” at teller)- if ANY fuckin money goes out of my bank account im coming back here and god help ya – fuckin banks yous all a shower of thieving bastards

Teller; I beg your pardon?

Me; don’t worry she doesn’t mean it

Teller; glares at me and starts to ignore “P”

Teller; what exactly is needed here

Me; “P” wants to set up a direct debit on her account to pay ******* (phone company)

Teller; Ok I need her to put her debit card into the machine and I can do this easily for her

“P” fuckin FINALLY

Teller; (looking at “P”) Could you please stop using abusive language its not very nice to listen to

Me; no problem – (turns to “P” and spittin feathers under my breath says) fuckin stop it now

“P” well I ask ya how many more fuckin times must we tell her what we wanna do, stupid twat she is

Me; Stop it

Me; (turns to bank teller) right what else do you need

Teller; (glaring at “P”) I – need – her – to – put – the -card – in – the – machine


“P” (turns to me) whats me fuckin pin number

Me; how would I know

“P” well how the fuck would I know

Me; jesus – god give me patience but hurry up

Teller; (looking from me to “P”- me to “P” and finally cottoning onto the fact this is “P“) look if it’s a problem we can do it another way

“P” NOW she fuckin tells us

Me; that would be very helpful thank you what do you need

Teller; I just need the debit card

“P” What the FUCK are ya on about I just give ya the bleedin card and ya gave it me back

Me; She needs it – pass it over to her

“P” virtually throws it under the glass partition and it bounces right onto tellers desk

Teller; glares at “P” and starts to swipe the card on her side

“P” I don’t know the pin number cant remember it

Teller; don’t worry I don’t need it

“P” shes doin my fuckin head in, 1st she needs it then she don’t , then it’s the twattin pin number then it aint do ya wonder I lose the fuckin plot

Me; calm down – this isn’t helping lets just get it done and go home

Teller; now who is the direct debit for

“P” that twattin ******* (phone company) they keeps fucking me about and Ive lost the receipt and they said I aint paid me bill and then the TWATS cut me phone off and it was yous fuckers that took me bill money and I cant find the fuckin receipt

Teller; so its ****** (phone company) you want the direct debit for

“P” how many MORE FUCKIN times do I have to tell YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Me; (turning to “P”) I cant cope with this if you yell once more im gonna fuck you right up, right here, right now, got it ?????????

“P” welllllllllll it aint my fuckin fault – cant understand what the fuck they playin at

Me; (to teller) look this isn’t working can we by any chance do this somewhere else

Teller; errrmmmmmm

Me; (in total desperation) she got learning difficulties and she isn’t understanding you

Teller; Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh ok I see – just wait one moment please – she beetles of and speak to some guy – they chunner for a minute or so then teller comes back – just take a seat over there and somebody is coming to help you.

“P” (pouncing on me) what the fuck you mean ive got fuckin learnin problems – I fuckin aint you cheeky cunt

Me; (hissing at her like a rattlesnake with toothache) you have today now shut it or im out of here

“P” well fuck of then see if I give a shit

Me; you’re pushing it now – do you want this direct debit or not cause im not bothered ive got my direct debits and its not my phone that will be cut off and im not taking one more FUCKIN phone call of you about this phone shit – OK

Me; are we goin or are we staying and getting it sorted

“P” course we stayin to get it sorted – dunno why you getting so fuckin wound up its not like ive done owt or said owt wrong – stomps of and sits down where she was shown to

Me; follows “P”

BL (bank lady); hello I hear you need some help here – do you want to come with me

Me: Yes thank you – gets up to follow said BW

“P”; (as she gets up dragging her heels to follow us) I aint got dip shit wrong wiv me – you cheeky fucking  twattin cunt ya – just wait till we get outta here – I’m gonna twat you like you never bin twatted before

Me; ignores onslaught

“P” digs me in the back and when I turn around she is grinning at me “fuck you” she says

Me; right back at you sweetness – I hiss

Now we in an office and the nice bank lady offers us a seat each I sit in one and “P” promptly goes to the window and checks out the view said bank lady is looking at her and then looks at me

Me; “P” come sit down we need to get this done

“P” nice view from ere you can the ******* (famous landmark) fuckin great innit

Me; yeah come sit down now – which she does

BL; (in a very low soft nicey nicey voice) right lets get started

“P” don’t get me fuckin started my heads twatted as it is

BL; looks up then looks down again

BL; could I have your debit card so I can get your account details and set up the direct debit

“P” (looks at me and lifts eyes to heaven) yeah here it is my direct debit card and passes card to BL

BL; ok, what you are giving me is a “DEBIT CARD” what I am doing is setting up a “DIRECT DEBIT

Me; does silent Lurch moan AGAIN

“P” looks at her and says yeah I know that’s why I give you direct debit card

BL; (looks at me puzzled) right just give me a minute and starts tapping in details – ahhh here it is now I believe you want to set up a direct debit for ******* (phone company) is that correct

Me; yes thank you

“P” that twattin ******** (phone company) they a bunch or fuckin idiots they ripped me of you know

BL; I see, that’s not nice is it – right I’ve now set your direct debit up to ****** (phone company) and they will take out the correct amount of money every month for you – is that okay

“P” nods

BL; looking at the bill you have given me I have started the direct debit for you at the end of every month – is that ok?

“P” nods – but is busy checking out a biggish machine to the left of her – what’s that she asks

BL; (all gushy and sugar sweet) Oh that’s a F – A – X machine do you know what they are and what they do?

Me: looks at “P” and starts to virtually shit myself – I’ve just seen its “Ps” payback time and I can see it in her eyes – they twinkling and she means business

“P” no I’ve heard of em like but I havn’t a clue what they for *sweeter than sweet smile” at BL

BL; jumps up and goes to said fax machine, well let me show you – they are really very clever machines you can send anything anywhere in the world on them,

“P” WOW you hear that sue – you can send anything anywhere – that’s fuckin neat innit

Me; yeah they‘re great – have we finished now – can we go now

“P” Noooooooooo hang on a mo (she smirks at me) – I wanna see how this fuckin thing works – whats it called a T – A – X machine

BL; No it’s a F – A – X machine FFFFFF-AX machine

“P” TTTTTTFFFFFffffff – a – x machine (making her mouth contort out of all proportion)

BL; that’s it a fax machine and you can send anything you want to anywhere in the world with it

“P” fuckin neat – go on then send summat somewhere let me see how it does it

BL; (getting a bit twitchy) Well do you know anybody who has a fax machine “P”

“P” errmmmmm dunno but I wanna see it work like

Me; think we need to go now “P”

“P” totally ignores me and sticks a zap sign up behind her back at me that the nice BL cant see

Me; does silent Lurch impression again

BL well we would need to have a telephone number and a fax machine of someone you know before we can send a message to them

“P; I know I know who’s got a fax machine and her face lights up like blackpool illuminations

BL; (breathes – out breathes in) ok “P” who is it and what do you want to say to them

“P” send it to that twattin ******* (phone company) and tell em to go fuck themselves cause I’ve got a direct debit card set up now and they can go an fuck off if they think for one minute they getting any more fuckin money outta me the fuckin thieving bastard cunts that they are. T W A T S

BL; goes very pale even under 10 tons of make-up

Me; thinks BL is gonna pass out

BL; (all in one breath) yes yes well erm yes well I don’t think that would be appropriate would it really and it could get me in trouble and I think we have done everything now that is unless you need anything else doing “P” and I would be happy to help you get anything else done for you.

“P” naw I’ve done all I came to do

Me; yep it appears you have well and truly done everything you intended to do – now can we go

“P” where’s me fuckin direct debit card and glares at nice BL

BL; stumbles over to her desk and gets the card and passes it to “P”

“P” ya nearly forgot that didn’t yous – see I’m on the fuckin ball – thank you

BL; no thank you it was very nice to meet you

“P” yeah ok nice to meet yous as well, whats yer name again cause next time I come here for some fuckin help I’ll ask fer yous yourself.

BL; (again all in one breath) I don’t think that would be to helpful to you I may not be available and there are plenty more account managers around so don’t hesitate to ask at the front desk to see one of us – anytime. (does not give name)

“P” but I wanna see yous

Me; right lets go “P” we done here

“P” turns to nice BL and tells her don’t worry I’ll find ya when I come in again nice meeting yous


Me; You just had to THAT didn’t you –

“P” do what ??? What did I fuckin do

Me; you know all to well what you fuckin did

“P” I got me direct debit card set up that’s all

Me; yeah course you did

“P” well that’ll fuckin teach ya to say im thick – did you see her fuckin face when I told her to fax that twatting ****** (phone company) thought she was gonna ave a fuckin heart attack, (roars laughin)

“P” TTTTTTTFFFFFFFffffff – A – X machine – fuck I thought I was gonna collapse laughin

Me; I nearly collapsed of embarrassment

“P” tough shit

Me; yeah – as always with you and we both crack up laughing …………….


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 I used to be an interior designer, a good one, so about 8 yrs ago and on a visit to “P” one day I realised she was literally drowning in her own hoarding problems. I arranged that for 2 weeks I would live at her home and put it to rights. It took me 2 weeks to empty the house of the absolute crap she had hoarded, every drawer, every cupboard, every nook and cranny was crammed with shite. The one bedroom was so full up we had to force the door open between us. I actually found in excess of £1200 she had squirreled away and forgot about, it was stuffed in video cases, book, trouser pockets – you name it she had stored money there. I subsequently found over 15 money boxes filled with coins ended up counting another £1000 or so.  I spent weeks filling up the car and trips to the local tip getting rid of the crap.  In the end I counted over 150 pairs of jeans, approx 90 had never been worn – but they were a bargain – not her size – but they were a bargain !!!!!! Hope you got the jist. None of this included the stuff I crammed into her loft for future car boot sales.

Anyway after about 4 months (yep MONTHS) I had finally got the bedrooms, bathroom , hall, landing and stairs painted and decorated and ready for some decent furniture. The hallway had to be painted 3 times over cause “P” decided she was suddenly “gifted” in interior design and she bought the wrong paint. So we got 4 different wall colours. Finally it was completed and I threw away all the paint brushes to stop her going over and over it time and time again.

 The day dawns and its off we go to IKEA. We had the list of items she needed plus the colour scheme we needed to adhere to. I figured that the walls of her home would be painted all the same colour (a very neutral warm cream and then she could go for whatever colours she wanted for the “colour scheme” – which could be changed at anytime – by way of furnishing – it’s a simple but effective way to deal with “P”) We had the money (after going to Asda and changing the coinage into notes – she ended up kicking the machine cause it charged a small commission) and complained bitterly all the way about it. (to this day she still does).

 We get into Ikea and the 1st thing that “P” notices are these bright red cushions laying very nicely on a nice cream sofa, she wants them – I tell her NO you cant have em, “fuck you” she says “im avin em” – right ok you have them – so in the trolley they go – 9 of them – she aint even got a sofa at this point and we shopping for bedrooms, bathroom, hall and stairway. I scheme if I let her put everything she thinks is right in one trolley and I actually put everything that is right in mine then at some point I can part her from the “not right trolley”. Onwards and upwards we go. By the time we get half way round this store she is so laden down with shite she cant see over the trolley, so she is bumping and crashing into everything possible. She tells one young guy who works there – as she slices the skin of his shins – to get outta the fuckin way cause she cant see where she is going you dozy bastard. He was in agony but kept it together pretty well considering.

Now we get to bedroom part of Ikea, I know exactly what we need i.e. curtains, bedding, (I’ve used Ikea so much in my life I know exactly what they have and how much it costs and we are on a budget) I go straight to the curtains and pick up 2 pcks of them and put them in my “right thing to buy” trolley. She promply takes them out – I put them back in – she takes them out – I tell her these are what we need to “shush” the bedrooms, she tells me to “shush off” and takes them out again. She says she cant see the “end result” in her mind – I tell that doesn’t matter cause I can. She takes them out again. I ignore her and walk away – she ROARS “I don’t fuckin want them” I carry on walking – then BAM my head is ringing and im thrown across a bed like a rag doll, she has only thrown the said curtains at me and hit bullseye right on the back of my head. I get up glare at her and carry on walking ;

(me) muttering to myself – im not gonna fuck her up – im not gonna fuck her up

(“P”) aww I didn’t mean to actually hit you with them are you alright

(me) NO im not

(“P”) im sorry im sorry

(me) its ok lets carry on shopping

(“P”) I suppose we could buy the curtains I’m just not sure how they will look,

(me) then ask me

(“P”) how will they look

(me) excellent

(“P”) ok then I trust you lets go an ave a cup of tea – my treat !!!!!!!!!!!

Curtains are put in said trolley.

We go into the “café” and order some lunch and refreshments. This only took about hour and half – she only got to take food back twice (OCD with “P”) before I started to freak out and tell her if she did it one more time I would shuv the food down her throat – plate and all. She eats the food without another word.

We now get to the “picture” part of Ikea, we have already had another hour picking out bedroom furniture, which she couldn’t say much about cause she couldn’t see what it looked like cause it was flat pack. I know exactly what is needed and I get it, “P” is behaving herself.

I let her go wild with the pictures, but I’m firm about the frames, luckily she doesn’t notice to much and doesn’t say to much either – sends a small prayer upwards.

By this time I am getting exhausted and very “unchilled” – we hit the wardrobe dept and the next hour is spent trying to explain to “P” that NO you cant have the same amount of wardrobes I have cause my wall is 12mtrs long and yours is 3mtrs long. THEY WONT FIT !!!!!

“P”; Why wont they fit

Me; Cause my wall is longer than yours

“P”; well cant we fuckin squash em together a bit more

Me; they made of wood and wood don’t “squash”

“P” fuck it – you would think I was asking for the fuckin moon

Me; wood wont squash

“P” this is twattin my head up fuck it I don’t want them

Me; ok lets move on

“P” but why wont they fuckin squash a bit

Me; cause you cant get 12mtr of wardrobes into a gap of 3mtr we have to leave some out

“P” ok ok so lets get 3mtr of wardrobes then

Me; ok

“P” I want what you’ve got – the same as

Me’ you cant have the same cause mine are 12m and you only got 3m space

Me; you can have 3 robes so take your pick of what you want inside them

“P” I want what you’ve got

Me; If you carry on much more you will be goin home inside one of the fuckin things and they can use it as a friggin coffin.

“P” No need to swear

Me; I’m not swearing I’m losing the plot and the will to live

“P” fuckin great you supposed to be helping me and you swear at me

Me; “just carry on”

Finally “P” agrees she don’t want wardrobes so of we go and end up in “kitchen” part of Ikea. Now the fun really begins.

“P” is like a kid in a sweetie shop, every item in that kitchen part is duly put into yet another trolley – she is now struggling to push 2 trolleys piled high at the same time and the air is blue with profane descriptions of what she thinks of these “fuckin twattin cuntin” trolleys from hell. She has also helped herself to 2 of those bags Ikea have and one is slung over each of her shoulders and packed to bursting point. She look like a New York bag lady. She is, as yet, unaware that none of it is coming home with us. Ive got all the light and lamp fitting for her bedrooms, she got four different light fitting for her lounge, she only has one light in her lounge.

We now hit the part that you organise delivery (we had bought 2 sofa’s and other bedroom furniture) “P” duly gives the nice man all her address details and arranges times for delivery and the nice man says that will be £35.00 ……..

“P” what you mean 35 quid – for WHAT

Man; it’s the delivery charge

“P”; yer what £35 quid to go about 25 miles are you fuckin MAD

Man; no it’s a standard charge set by Ikea

“P”; don’t care if the friggin queen herself that sez it – 35 quid is a fuckin rip of

Man; well leave it then – take it home yourself

“P” lets put it in your car sue

Me; it wouldn’t even half fit in my car P

“P” course it would

Me; it’s a car not a 3 ton truck

“P” im fuckin fed up of this – turns to man – cant you give me a discount

 Man; No

“P” you miserable twat – go on im spending a lot in here today

Man; I can’t im not allowed

“P” fuckin jobs worth

Man; whatever you say

“P” well you got me like a cornered rat – here’s the 35 quid you arlarse – (liverpudlian slang for asshole)

Man; thank you – here’s your receipt

“P” im gonna report you for the way you have treated me

Man; you need locking up

“Me; he didn’t mean it P lets go

“P” ok fuck him lets go pay for the stuff sue bet they want full price as well …………….


 We are stood in the queue from hell, must be about 20 checkouts and they all busy busy busy, “P” starts to wander around and leaves her trollies and Ikea bags just stood in the middle of the floor space, I tell a young woman that the trollies and bags can be removed as I don’t know who they belong to – she duly shifts them before “P” get back from her wanderings.

“P” where’s me shopping trollies and bags

Me; they been removed cause you just dumped em on the floor and walked away

Me; anyway it don’t matter cause we aint buying the stuff anyway

“P” why not

Me; cause its not what we came for and most of it is junk and you will never ever use it

“P” but I like what I bought

Me; but its not what we came for and you wont use it

“P” how do you know

Me; cause I’ve just spent 4 months clearing out all the previous junk you bought and never used

“P” but ive pushed and carried it all around this fucking store

Me; more fool you

“P” I cant even remember what was there now

Me; good

“P” some mate you are – you throw all me fuckin stuff out, then wont let me buy it fucking back again

Me; I didn’t just throw all you stuff out – you were there to say what could and couldn’t be thrown out

“P” that’s not the point

Me; well what is the point – explain it to me

“P” im not sure but I’ll think of summat

  Me; ok let me know when you have

 “P” fuckoff

 Just as the curtains come up to be scanned she grabs them and throws them across Ikea aying “you can shuv them up your arse“, they hit a massive glass bottle stand and the crash brought the store to a standstill.

 Me; you lunatic what you do that for

 “P”; cause I don’t fuckin want them

 Me; ok leave them ive actually gone past caring now

 “P” fuckoff

 Next thing is a manager comes up and tells us that the items broken have to be paid for – could we just go with him whilst his staff add up the damage to the glass items. Just as “P” is starting to kick of he tells her that if she says a word the police will be called and she will get done for criminal damage. “P” is stunned into silence and I duly end up paying £78 quid for the glass that was broken. The manager asks “P” not to come into his store again and she promptly tells him to fuck off that his store is shite and his curtains are crap.

 I get her out of Ikea and she is muttering away to herself and we get into my car and I tell her I need the toilet and she must wait in the car – we then drive home. Unbeknown to her I have not gone to toilets I went and bought the curtains.

 Eventually the rooms are finished and the furniture built and everything has a place and all is in its place, I do this while “P” is keeping herself busy and I don’t let her into the rooms till its all done. I tell her it’s a “changing rooms” moment. She is gob smacked at the finished result – beautiful she says, absolutely amazing, you’ve made the rooms look twice the size, don’t know how you do it sue, and the curtains are stunning where you get them from….……………..

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