A Certain Family on the Jiminy Klyle Show
Jiminy; Welcome to the Jiminy Klyle show, today we have what I can only describe as what must be one of the most dysfunctional families that have ever appeared on this show, let me introduce you to Queenie, the matriarch of this family who has come to the end of her tether and here is why;
Jiminy; Hello Queenie, tell us, what is going on in your family, tell the audience, because when I read your original story I was truly speechless.
Hello Jiminy; Well er er, its like this, see, (dabs eyes with a piece of bog roll) I er er like I have this family, 1 girl and 3 boys, all grown up now, but I had a sister who died from alcohol and smoking addictions, but I coped with that cause she was a wild un was our Megs, and she put it about a bit specially when she was pissed, blessin in disguise I reckon what wiv rehab on deserted islands an all, nuthin worked for longer than a month or so.
Then there was me muvver bless her cotton socks, over 100 she was when she popped her clogs,but same story – must be in the genes, swigging gin and gambling, havin wild parties an at her age as well, suppose she felt she had earned it as her usband was well lets say socially shy, well to be perfectly honest he always got tongue tied, none of us could understand a frikken word he said.
I’ve got 7 grandkids (well that’s how many I know about) and I’m proud of em all, well most of em, there’s our Arry, bit of a wild un he is, runnin around playin wiv guns, wearing big hats – ruddy great big ones at that, and getting his kit out in some hotel in front of everyone – problem was there was some woman who was some sort of shady actress/ model and it ended up in all the newspapers, I told him – I did – I said listen ere Arry this has to stop how cud ya show ya googlies of like that and in front of a waitress as well, where you get ya manners, frikken scrape em of the floor did ya? not good Jiminy not good. Told him if an he does it ever again he gonna get his dope taken of him fer a whole week.
Then there’s our Zits, orse mad she is, orse mad, when I found out she was sleepin in a big feck of pile of hay next to the bleddy orse I put me foot down Jiminy, I did, told her what would the neighbours say, I mean what wiv all this shite on that there tinternet a person has to be careful, don’t they Jiminy, anyhows she married some big dumb fecker who plays that game erm erm yeah RUGBY that’s it, wedding cake hadn’t even been shuved into the serviettes and handed out when he ended up in the bleddy Sun messin about wiv a model, what is it wiv these models Jiminy where they come from, they like flies round shit. Anyhows she preggers now so all should be sorted – well at least until the paternity test is done. Gawd help us.
Then there’s our Zits brother, he been a good boy – up to now but there’s time there’s time.
There is our Betty, got teeth like a bleddy horse she has and her eyes are scary shit, she has taken to wearing frikken daft hats, you should ave seen the show she made of us wiv the hat she wore at our Dickie’s weddin, between her and the sister of the bride’s arse is it any wonder the bride lost weight and had greasy hair for a year and couldn’t get a frock to fit her for all the bleddy tea in china, yeah in CHINA Jiminy – I’m tellin ya Jiminy the stress of that made me take off for the caravan in Clindsor fer a few weeks I just couldn’t cope wiv the stress of it all.
Aww bless our little (well not so little) Jenny, got a bad back she has, Atos told her she fit for work but her dad had a round of golf wiv the manager and she didn’t even have to go to an appeal, straight in support group she went, and from wat her dad sez she wont be bovvered again. Bless her she luvs a good rock concert does our Jenny, specially if she gets free front row tickets. Well we all need a bit of a perk now and then don’t we Jiminy.
Don’t hear much from our Ed’s girl, since he got hauled over the coals for making illegal films of his brother, I bung him a few quid these days since he got married and it keeps him quiet.
Our Dickie now, well I mean Jiminy what can I say, not a days trouble as he brought to me door, fink it was his upbringin, luverly mum he had, a bit dotty, bit to ready to splash the cash of clothes an stuff but none of us perfick are we Jiminy, sad day when she left us.
He married now an their first kid expected any day now, told em if they need help wiv buyin the nappies, I’m appy to buy em a few, I took em to Matalan and kitted the kid out, 3 babygro’s, 3 pr scratch mitten, 12 bibs that say “I luv the Muppets” and a couple of them long sleeved vests, well we can’t let it feel the cold can we Jiminy, no Jiminy we can’t. Am planning to go to that there Burburry’s bin saving up for months, and get sum of that stripey stuff for it, you know, rompers, dresses, shoes, socks, hairband, coat, dummy, and buggy blanket and sun brolly, should look very swanky specially if it’s wearing it all at the same time. Not short of a bit of class we aint Jiminy.
Where are we Jiminy, oh yeah there’s me daughter our Aggie, another horse faced twat if I say so meself, but fer the life of me it must be her father’s genes, she can be, erm, lets say, feckin rude to say the least, another one fer the orses she is, tells us all to eff orf and she bin wed twice now, after the cost of the first bloody weddin I told her no friggin way am I payin fer it a second time, I mean Jiminy it’s too much innit. Mind yous, the first one was a right ole miserable git, got another woman preggers and hid it fer years he did, not right Jiminy not bleddy right is it. Anyways she kicked him to touch, present one a bit like a clapped out drill tryin to drill an ole in wood, just bleddy boring boring boring and eats like a butcher’s dog.
Then there’s me eldest lad, I lose the will to live on a daily basis wiv him Jiminy, l really do, he gonna send me to me grave before much longer, I mean talking to frikken plants, writing letters to this ere parliament sayin the stupidest shite, marryin a horse faced toe rag who he bin bein mucky wiv fer years, (why is it always orses???) and she happy to be a bleddy tampon fer chris sakes, sayin that luverly building was a carbuncle, I mean what the ell he on about, me carbuncles are bleedy painful they are Jiminy how can a building have a carbuncle???? I tell yous Jiminy he aint right in the ead, he aint right at all.
Look Jiminy none of us is perfick none of us and I meself like a little flutter on the gee gees (well I say little) but anyways they gotta start behaving themselves cause if they don’t then im gonna feck em all up and holy.
Jiminy Klyle; Ok Queenie, we are going to get to the bottom of this if it kills me, backstage ladies and gents we have this family waiting to come out and give their version of events, may I first introduce………………………….
TO BE CONTINUED………………….