Me&”P” – A Night at the Bingo

ME&C – A Night at the Bingo

“C” was visiting me and after insisting she was “bored shitless” we decided to go and have a “night at the bingo”, I have been to Bingo a couple of times in my life and I’ve actually enjoyed it, you can have a drink or two, get chatting to other people and even – if you are lucky – win a couple of quid.
After paying for our books of bingo tickets, which took over half an hour and 27 minutes of that was explaining to “C” that you could have as many books as you want and how many games you wanted to play on any particular game. i.e. 1 page book right through to 6 page books. Also explaining that the different games have different books, I came away clutching my books of games with trepidation and a fear of what the hell was going to happen. “C” it turns out had only ever played bingo at the seaside on those machines that go to quick. I fell right into the trap without a second thought. Once inside the bingo hall we find (after much mooching around) a table and start to unpack the various markers and pens (pats myself on the back – got plenty) then the ciggies comes out (before smoking bans) and we are ready to rock and roll.

“C” Fancy a drink

Me; yeah I’ll have a coffee what you havin

“C” a coffee – fucks sake I said a DRINK

Me; ok I’ll have half a lager

“C” well you go get em and I’ll stay here with the stuff

Me; nice one, what you havin

“C” vodka and red bull – make it a double

Me; ok – you sure vodka and red bull?

“C” yeh

I come back with the said drinks and have a 10 minute debate of what robbing bastards they are at the bar – enough said. “C” promptly necks her drink in four gulps
“C” fancy another

Me; another what?

“C” drink another drink – drank all mine an I’m fuckin thirsty and ask em to put more ice in it as well tight arsed twats two pieces of fuckin ice don’t even hit sides

Me; ok but you go slower with the drinks or you won’t be able to do the bingo – A voice came over the PA system informing us that the first game was to start in 10 minutes.

“C” Get two lots of drinks will yous, don’t wanna be missing any games

Me; right give me some money I aint paying for your drinks all night

“C” fuckin ellllllllllllllllll you callin me a tight arse now are yous

Me; no I’m just saying you’re drinking like a fish and I’m not paying for it all

“C” throws a £20 note at me and tells me to get her three drinks not two and make them doubles

Me; if you get drunk I’m out of here – Gets back from the bar with a tray of drinks three for her  and a big glass of ice.

The bingo caller is now telling the people what order the games will be played in, i.e. which colour tickets are for which game so the players can put them in order. Needless to say “C” gets completely confused with it all and I put them in order for her then give her the first one to be played.

Bingo caller; four and two 42

“C” got it

Bingo caller; 59 the Brighton line

“C” the fuck what line

Me; shush it was 59

“C” so where does a line fuckin come into it then

Me; shussssssssssh

Bingo caller; two and three 23

“C” fuck I got 22

Me; will you shut up

Bingo caller; seven and six 76

“C” naw

Bingo caller; two little ducks 22

“C” GOT IT

Bingo caller; we have a claim over there – (pointing in our direction) and a young lad comes running up to us and ask whose ticket,

Me; not mine

“C” not me

The lad duly tells the caller it’s a false claim and runs of.

Bingo caller; eight and three 83

Bingo caller; one and two 12

Bingo caller; two fat ladies 88

“C” I can’t fuckin keep up with this twat what was after 83

Me; 12 and 88

“C” yer what

Bingo caller; nine oh 90

“C” for fucks sake I got 12 what the fucks after that

Me; 88 and 90

“C” 88 and what

Me; 90

Bingo caller; We have a claim for a line – young girl runs up to someone and starts reading out the numbers

“C” this fucker goes to quick I can’t fuckin keep up tell him to slow down

~Me; I can’t do that if you watch that screen over there the number comes up before he says it and you can do it a bit slower and keep up

“C” Oh ok

Bingo caller; the lady has won £10 let continue for two lines, on its own number one, one and five 15, six oh blind 60,

“C” what the fuck he talkin about a line

Me; you play for one line then two lines then full house

“C” what all on same page

Me; yeah course on the same page

“C” FUCKIN ELLLLLLLLL

Me; what

“C” ive started a new twattin page

Me; you’ve WHAT

Someone calls HOUSE and the game comes to a halt
“C” I’ve started a new page I didn’t fuckin know it was same fuckin page no-one told me fuck all (drinks a full drink in two large swallows) shit

Me; you dozy bugger leave it now and you can try the next game instead.

“C” but I’ve paid for this fuckin game and I’m gonna play it

Me; but you haven’t got the numbers and I can’t remember them

“C” this is twattin my head up this is – fuckin bingo whose fuckin idea was it to come to fuckin BINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (clears another drink at a rapid pace of knots)

Me; don’t start

Bingo caller; another lucky winner the lady won £25 for two lines we are now playing for the full house which has a prize of £100

“C” fuck her

Bingo caller; nine and seven 97, three and two 32, one and nine 19, three and six 36,

“C” yous got that you GOT THAT

Me; shushhhhhh I know

Bingo caller; seven and five 75, key of the door 21,

“C” you got that look look YOU GOT THAT

Me; stop it

HOUSE – someone calls the game – game ends

Me; right here’s your next ticket, use this different coloured pen so you don’t get mixed up with the other game and DON’T change tickets till I tell you – ok ?

“C” right so I gotta get line 1st then 2 lines then a full house

Me; yeah got it, and stop yapping it’s distracting

“C” fuck of you miserable twat – downs the third drink

Me; I’m not being miserable but I’m trying to hear the numbers and listen to you at the same time so just stop talkin when the game starts that’s all

“c” ok keep ya knickers on – anyhow how do I do this ticket when I’ve already marked some numbers of it,

Me; here play mine and I’ll play the damaged one

“C” naw fuck it I’ll miss this one and go to the bar you want another one

Me; no I’m ok thanks

“C” right cya in a bit – “C” waltzes of to the bar and the new game begins……….
Halfway through the new game and “C” is still at the bar and I’m enjoying the game, we are now at the “full house” and I’m four numbers away. All of a sudden you hear this Liverpudlian voice echo all around the bingo hall FUCK IN ELL YOUS JOKIN ARNT YOUS, then a roaring of laughter. I look towards the bar and there is “C” in her element having a ball with the barman who by the way is trying to hush her up,” FUCK IT ITS ONLY A GAME who gives a fuck – that idiot rolls those fuckin numbers out like a fuckin fruit machine I can’t keep up with the twat”
the bingo caller is waiting to start the full house game, and he is glaring towards the bar area……..tap tap tap on the microphone……..tap tap tap………”right ladies and gentlemen we can now begin the full house game, he starts calling out the numbers, I forget the game and I’m watching “C”

“C” (screaming laughin and merrily wasted – she has by now had the equivalent of 10 vodka’s and four red bulls )

“C” fuckin fat ducks and lines an twattin keys what the fuck is he on” (several people now going shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh towards the bar
The barman is doing his best to try and quieten “C” down and he pours her another drink and is obviously talking quietly to her because she is leaning right over the bar with her feet hanging down to hear him,

“C” whah WHAH – I can’t hear yous WHAHHHHHH and climbs further over the bar knocking an ice bucket on the tiled floor of the bar, I swear every single piece of ice literally bounced like a metal ball and the noise “pounded” round the whole hall.

HOUSE – the game ended

I go up went to the bar and dragged her of it and told her if she carries on I’m gonna throttle her and to get back to her seat and shut the fuck up.

“C” what the fucks up wiv yous I was havin a laugh that’s all, can’t I even have a fuckin laugh these days, hang on I wanna a drink – hang on hang on – fuck of and let go of me – vodka and redbull please make it a double.

Me; not in here you can’t people are trying to play bingo and they have paid to play so shut it – we go back to our table

Now a smartly dressed guy comes up to us and introduces himself as the manager, he very quietly and politely tells “us” that “we” have to consider the other people in the hall tonight who are playing bingo and that they want a quiet atmosphere to be able to hear the numbers and not be distracted. If “we” keep disrupting the games then “we” would be asked to leave.

“C” who the fuck are yous talkin to

Manager; I’m just trying to explain that people are here to play a game and enjoy playing it without disruptions, and I would appreciate less bad language please

“C” Yeah sorry bout that an all – she just told me I was making too much fuckin noise so I will shut the fuck up – sorry an all that OK ?

Manager; OK – walks away shaking his head

“C” he can fuck right of I’ve spent a fuckin fortune in ere tonight and I’m enjoyin meself – t-w-a-t – necks her drink and promptly goes to buy another one and comes back with two. What she doesn’t notice is the glaring daggers being aimed at her as she walks past people; I meanwhile am getting smaller and smaller in my seat.

“C” I’m enjoyin these drinks, been ages since I had a good session, right whats happenin – whats next

Me; They are going to start again in about five minutes and if you move so much as one muscle in the wrong direction or say one word out of place – then I’m gone, everyone is getting pissed off with you and it’s not funny. Got it ????

“C” I aint done nuthin wrong what the fucks up with yous, I’ve had a couple of drinks an a laugh wiv the barman what the fucks wrong wiv THAT you miserable twat

Me; and the ice bucket

“C” (loud now) It was a fuckin accident, I didn’t know it was there, I had to climb on the twattin bar cause I couldn’t hear him, I can’t help being fuckin short for fuck sakes how I’m supposed to hear him go on tell me THAT

Me; leave it now the game is starting in a minute have you got your tickets

“C” fuck the tickets, I aint playin

Me; ok don’t play you don’t have to, just keep quiet

“C” “fuck this for a game of soldiers”,

she lights up a ciggie and sits sulking in the chair.
The game starts, we get through three sets of games without interruption then “C” decides enough is enough and again heads of to the bar as she has drank her drinks and decides she wants another one.
By now she is totally wasted and as she staggers to the bar ciggie in hand she is laughing to herself all the way and it’s like a production line of shhhhhh shhhhhh shhhhhh as she passes every table. Just as she gets to the bar she turns around and yells “shhhhhhhhhh you fuckin selves you miserable bastards” – as she hits the bar she totally misses the bar stool and ends up on her arse, and glaring round like some mad woman yells out “who the fuck did that” the barman runs round helps pick her up and sits her on the stool, you could hear this muttering and cursing but not quite make out what was being said, the barman’s body language alone said it all. Anyway it seemed to have the desired effect she quietened down and all that could be heard was the occasional giggling and murmuring between her and the barman.
The games continued on and the last one finished. I cleared up the table of all our stuff and went over to the bar, by now “C” was (in her words) completely “twatted”. It took me and the barman to pour her into the car and she telling me what a fuckin great night she was having and we should do this every week.

Not in my lifetime on the next planet – I tell her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“C” wasn’t used to drinking a lot but when she went for it – it was of marathon proportions – the next day she had absolutely no recollection of the nights events and the hangover from hell. I told her I wasn’t surprised she had a hangover and that it was such a shame she hadn’t liked the bingo and that she had made me promise her we would never ever go again. JOB DONE ………………………
I have never been back to that bingo hall and I never ever will……………………..

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