ME&C – The Hearing Aid

ME&C – The Hearing Aid

Over a period of several years it became slowly obvious that “P” was hard of hearing and it was getting worse on a daily basis, not that she would admit it, oh no, a typical conversation would go like;

Me; I need to get to the shops today and I wondered if you wanted anything or want to come with me

“P” What

Me; I need to get to the shops today and I wondered if you wanted anything or want to come with me

“P” I did the front garden yesterday moved a few of the plants around and some fucker nicked me garden lights you know the ones that I got from the pound shop

Me; Well do you want anything or do you want me to come and pick you up?

“P” If I get me hands on the twats I’m gonna wring their fuckin necks I liked those lights and the pound shop have sold out of em so I can’t get anymore

Me; they might do at some point don’t be worrying.

“P” Pissed of

Me; well are you coming or what

“P” WHAT

Me; ARE YOU COMING OR WHAT

“P” COMING WHERE

Me; TO THE SHOPS

“P” WHEN YOU GOIN

Me; TODAY ARE YOU COMIN OR DO YOU WANT ANYTHING

“P” Why you shouting

Me; I’m not

“P” Speak up will yous summat must be up wiv your phone AGAIN

Me; THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY PHONE ITS YOUR EARS

“P” Go on start again why dontcha there’s fuck all wrong wiv me ears, it’s your fuckin phone

Me; What do you want to do – come with me or not

“P” COME FUCKIN WHERE WITH YOU

Me; Look don’t worry I can’t go now – I’ve got a banging headache – speak later – bye

FINALLY – talked “P” into getting a hearing aid, only took me 3 years but the day arrived when she went to see the hearing specialist, that scenario will go down in medical reference encyclopaedia’s under the heading “How to convince a patient that is deaf she needs a hearing aid – and keep your sanity” one and a half hour later she stormed out of his office, cursing and swearing like a trooper and the specialist leaning against the office door looking in total shock. At one stage of the ear examination the doctor has asked her why she could hear everything he said, she told him she was lip reading him, (she can do this with ease – imagine a hawk staring at its prey) he then apparently went round to her back and started speaking, of course she couldn’t hear him and when he commented on this to her face, her reply was “well what the fuck you expect, I aint got fuckin eyes in the back of me head ave I” and then started cursing under her breath – what “P” never realises is that her “talking under her breath” is LOUD because she can’t hear herself, so she SHOUTS. I think the shocked looked displayed by this doctor was due to her “talking under her breath” and the words cunt, twat, arlearse, fuckin idiot, dickhead and bastard were mere drops in the ocean of what she called him “under her breath”.

Anyway she was fitted with a top of the range hearing aid, she got the fright of her life for the first few days when suddenly she could hear conversations that were not for her ears, from people she did not know, imagine the look of sheer shock, terror, surprise and outrage when she would go across to the said people and tell them what she thought they should do, go, be or say.  Suffice to say she eventually got it tuned into the right hearing level and the good people of Liverpool were safe from the unprecedented verbal assaults of some outraged woman who could hear them from twenty paces away.

However, our telephone calls were still a continual battle, she would let me rattle on and on about whatever I was speaking about – sometimes for several minutes, and then say to me “WHAT” so I would repeat whatever I had said, again;

“P” What

Me; have you got your hearing aid in

“P” WHAT

Me; HAVE YOU GOT YOUR FUCKIN HEARING AID IN

“P” err no I’ve lost it

Me; Call me when you find it then, cause I can’t do this anymore

Many times she would pretend to not have the hearing aid in and when I would eventually start screaming down the phone at her and threatening her with what I was going to do to her when I got my hands on her, she used to scream laughing and say “gotcha” – honestly she is lucky to be alive.

“P” would leave her hearing aid in the most obscure places, the window sill, under the sofa, in a bedroom drawer, in a kitchen drawer, in the spaghetti jar, tucked up inside a sock she didn’t wear, (that was only found about three months ago – she has had two new ones since) to name a few, it didn’t matter she had a special case for it to keep it safe, the case went unused – and still is.

To date she has had, in less than two years, five hearing aids, all of them lost or misplaced and never her fault.

The hearing department nurse at the hospital now gives “P” appointments at 8am in the morning, and no matter how she tries, or what she says, every other appointment for the next three months is fully booked up.  “P” showed me a letter from them the one day and on the back (in very small lettering) it clearly stated the opening hours were from 9am !!!!!!!! “P” to date, has not noticed this information. God help them if she ever does.

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One Response to ME&C – The Hearing Aid

  1. Eomunda says:

    absolutely hilarious!

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