It’s Saturday and I’ve driven through to “P’s” house to spend the weekend with her to enable me to get everything ready without any rushing about (nice dream while it lasted) for the Big Day on Monday. I’ve got all my stuff with me including all hair stuff to do “P’s” hair.

Me; right let’s get your hair done

“P” ok should I wash it first

Me; no just wet it cause I’m gonna cut it first then dry it then put streaks in, don’t use any shampoo or conditioner – just wet it with water.

“P” ok – and she trots of upstairs to bathroom where I hear taps running. 20 minutes later I call up to her to see where she is and what’s she doing.

“P” be down I a minute just doin last rinse

Me; what you mean last rinse ????

“P” this fucking conditioner needs rinsing out I’ve nearly finished – she then appears with hair dripping all over the place – no towel.

Me; what have you done, did you wash your hair, I told you NOT to wash your HAIR

“P” it needed a fuckin washin

Me; but I told you not to put shampoo and conditioner on it before I did the streaks, well you screwed it right up now

“P” fucksakes I only fuckin washed it, what the fuck wrong wiv ya

Me; never mind I will cut it today and do streaks tomorrow

“P” no do the streaks today

Me; no cause last time you washed it and I did streaks they didn’t take properly and you went of like an exocet missile and I aint up for it again

“P” of fuckin whatever if yous don’t wanna do it then DON’T FUCKIN do it, you just like the twattin rest of those fucking twattin hairdressers who fuck it up and then blame me I’m fuckin sick of it I am FUCKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Me; tells her to sit down, gets scissors and starts cutting her hair ask her if she wants it like I usually do it and she says yep, you always do it just right she says. I’ve got to the part where hair is cut and dried of and now have put cap on to pull hair to be streaked through, with much cursing and yelling said hair is pulled through said cap. I’ve mixed up the stuff for her streaks and I star applying said “stuff”.

“P” 2minutes on – is it done yet

Me; no its nowhere near done another 20 minutes yet

“P” 4 minutes on – what bout now – is it done

Me; no another 16 minutes yet

“P” 5 minutes – im getting fuckin sick of this is it fuckin done yet jesus how much fuckin longer

Me; half an hour yet (grinning to myself)(had to say it)

“P” half a fukin twattin hour yous said it was fuckin 16 minutes you fuckin liar, fuck this im washin it out it done now – yous don’t fuckin know what yous talkin about yous making it fuckin up as yous go along you fuckin dozy cunt

Me; now laughin – sorry I was just winding you up – another 10 minutes or so yet

“P” fuckoff you twat right that’s it, yous just wanna make me look a right twat in front of lizzie and it aint happening fuck of why dontcha

Me; lizzie ?

“P” the FUCKIN QUEEN lizzieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me; why would she notice YOUR hair and what if she did, like there is fat chance of it happening????

“P” cause we goin to fuckin see her so if we fuckin see her she will fuckin see US and I’ll end up wiv fuckin hair like a fuckin haystack and YOU YOUS (pointing a “furious” finger at me) miss fuckin priss will look like lady fuckin muck from fuckin turd fuckin hall and I’ll end up looking like your fuckin kitchen fuckin maid FUCKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

She storms of upstairs and I hear the taps running and yell up to her if you wash it of now it won’t be right

“P” a very watery gurgling – FUCK (cough) OFF it’ll be (cough cough) right

Me; leaves her to it

She lands downstairs wringing wet from head to toe complaining bitterly that the fuckin water gets every-fuckin-where and coughing profusely from water inhalation. I blow dry and style her hair and that’s that – well nearly………….

“P” juggling with two mirrors to see all her head – can’t see any fuckin streaks in it, what the fuck you done there aint any fuckin streaks in it, you half rip me fucking scalp of and there aint a FUCKIN STREAK IN SIGHT.

Me; I told you not to wash your hair and I told you not to wash colour of and I told you what would happen if you did and its happened so sit with it

“P” you twat – she now looks like a volcano ready to burst forth, there is a purple vein on her forehead that’s pulsating at a rapid rate of knots and her ears are twitching involuntary.

Me; look I told you what would happen but you never listen do you, so this is what happens, if you want we will go and buy more stuff and do it again tomorrow, we can’t do it again today because I’m not up for it,

“P” yeah it gotta be fuckin done it’s a right show as it is and I aint going fuckin (roars) NOWHERE with me hair like this fuckin trainsmash. (nothing wrong with her hair just streaks don’t show).

“P” fucking queen – I’ll fuckin queen her – and as for that fucker with her well he can go fuck himself right of.

Me; who?????

“P” that fuckin outta work fuckin greek THAT’S WHO


“P” fuckin prince fuckin prancing fuckin phillip THAT’S WHO

Me; oh ok

Cutting it short we got the stuff the next day and I did it all over again, the hair looked great and she was happy, I made sure all our outfits were ready, hung them up and everything was sorted. We ordered a Chinese takeaway that night and had it delivered and the only upset caused was the chips were not quite “right” she also ate (and thoroughly enjoyed) half of my sweet and sour prawn balls before I informed her that she had mine and I had hers, (pork) she threw the lot down onto the coffee table screeching she don’t eat fuckin prawns she hates em can’t stand the fuckin taste of em and told me I’d done it on fuckin purpose. I finished the pork ones telling her to calm down I was winding her up and she picked it all up and ate the bloody lot.

Monday arrives and about 11am and after she has had a bath, I blow dry her hair again and its ready for the evening and I won’t have to bother with it again. I know this because she has put that much hair spray on it its rock solid and not an atom bomb going off would move a single hair on her head. You could build a house on her head and it would hold up. In fact if she turned her head to one side quickly her hair would still stay right where it had started off. 3.00pm I get myself ready do hair, make up and generally tittify myself up. 4.00pm I tell “P” right let’s get out outfits on, we have to be at the theatre by 5.30pm even though the show don’t start till much later all the audience has to be in and seated well before the Queen arrives.

“P” why we have to go so fuckin early im knackered as it is

Me; it’s the rules

“P” fuck the rules

Me; hurry up let’s get goin I’ll phone a cab

“P” naw we can get bus over the road, its take 10 minutes to there

Me; you sure

“P” of course I’m sure what you think I fuckin am a fuckin idiot

4.30 we stood at said bus stop in all our finery and looking so out of place its actually painful. There are two young kids (about 6 and 9) with their mom at the said bus stop who look at us intently, up and down then up and down again, the elder one turn to her mom and says “hey mum look at them two all dressed up like who do they fink they are like – where they goin mum” I look at said kid and smile, “P” glares at same said kid, I tell the kid we are going to see the queen, this kids look directly at me and without a pause for breath tell me “fuck of the only queen I know lives two doors down and he’s a man who wears girls clothes skirts an stuff and you aint all dressed up like that to go see airy mary yous off yer head”. “P” (still glaring at said kid) cheeky little twat none of your fuckin business where we’s goin and don’t fuckin swear at my friend like that it aint respectful, ya cheeky little fucker – “P” turns to me – ignore the little twat she full-o-shit. The bus duly rattles up and we get on it, the journey is pretty peaceful but then it’s only a 10 minute journey.

We arrive outside the theatre and “P” looks for the “red carpet” and her sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I tell her never mind any of that lets just go in and we will see them inside because all our seats are together.

“P” but I wanna see the queen

Me; you going to see her – when we are inside

“P” yeah but we could get a good view from here

Me’ yeah and if we do that we won’t be able to go in we have to get through the security and be in before the queen gets here

“P” so all that fuckin money for a ticket for the fuckin queen and we can’t get to fuckin see twatting sight nor sound of her it aint fuckin right it aint fuckin fair we pay all this fuckin money and we get to see fuckin NOWT

Head of doormen and some gentlemen in black suits with radio things stuck in their ears are now turning to look at “P”

Me; (between my teeth and with a permo-fix smile) shut the fuck up or we will be carted

“P” carted?????? Why would we be fuckin CARTED im just sayin I wanna see the fuckin QUEEN I’ve paid me fuckin money now I wanna fuckin see her

Me; shut up just get in through those doors NOW

“P” starts towards the doors and as we pass a doorman she stops dead in her tracks and I bump into the back of her, “when do we get to see the queen – she asks this guy – he says he is not sure but he feels sure she will once the show starts and the queen is in the theatre. Turning to me “P“ says – Fuckin great not even the fuckin hired help can help us, what a fuckin rip off. I physically push her forwards as I can see my chances of this show slipping away very quickly.

We hit the theatre bar and “P” orders a drink and when the bill is presented she promptly tell the barman that it’s a drink she wants not to buy the fuckin theatre – I pay.

We now in our seats and “P” is busy looking all around her and starts taking the pee out of anyone she thinks its “lordin it” telling anyone who will listen that (in her “posh” voice) that one does not want one to mix with the rabble and one would be (note spelling) fecking better off if they threw em all out. Her sister – sat next to her grabs her jacket pulls her down to her seat and eye ball to eye ball threatens her that if she opens her gob once more she will fuckin duct tape it up and then she will only see the fuckin show hanging from the fuckin chandelier because she will fucking fling her up there and wont fucking come back for her for a fucking week. Now sit down and shut the fuck up. “P” sits down and shuts up. Her sister, looking like an uncomfortable glitter ball with a faux fur wrap turns to the people around her and “smiles”.

The show was amazing , fabulous, the best show I’ve ever been to and I will remember it all my life, “P” danced in her chair, clapped, whistled, cheered and generally had a ball. We did catch a small glimpse of the queen and I was happy with that. The show ends and we leave the theatre say goodbye to her sister and family and head home.

“P” let’s go have a quick drink its bin a fucking great night

Me; yeah ok where should we go

“P” follow me

After a 10 minute walk she leads me down this alley, its dark, dirty and look like a place nobody in their right mind would even think of walking down, on the right hand side I notice a really dirty window with leaded glass with a manky yellow light coming out from it, next to it is a door that “P” walks through, I duly follow, we enter this pub that you would not in a million years think would be behind this door, its 3 floors and “P makes me get up to the 3rd floor. She asks me what do I want to drink and then orders, what I didn’t know was this pub has a 3 for 1 policy and I get nearly a pint glass of vodka and tonic water, she has vodka and red bull, (triple) she downs it like a thirsty beached whale and orders herself another one, after three more of these drinks (I’m still not even a quarter way down my 1st drink) she turns her back to the bar, gets herself stood on a table, holds up her glass and yells…….

“here’s to the fuckin queen – and the outta work Greek, – miserable cunts didn’t even notice me HAIR” TWATSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

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