Me & “P” The Hormone Patch

This was one of the first times I experienced “P” and (as was to become a regular occurrence) was left gobsmacked. I had just got back into UK after living abroad for several years. I had met her a few times and had enjoyed her company and her sense of humour. I invited her up from where she lives to stay for a weekend at mine along with some other friends.

Whilst I had been overseas I had obtained (private healthcare) HRT patches, and I had brought a 12 month supply back with me – I also didn’t know that they were not available over here. “P” didn’t swear much then mainly because she didn’t know me that well. At that point in my life I had very long naturally curly thick auburn hair.

“P” Why does your hair look so shiny seeing as yous been in a hot country yous think it would be dead dry

Me; I think it’s down to the hormone patches

“P” and your skin is dead healthy looking

Me; is it, it must be the patches then

“P” what patches

Me; the HRT patches I use

“P” whats them then

Me; I have HRT to boost my hormone levels

“P” Hormone levels whats them about

Me; well my doc overseas tested my hormone levels and they were very low, so I’m on the patches

“P” never heard of em – whats them about then

Me; I’ve just told you – they raise my hormone levels to “normal” mine went to low

“P” and they do that to ya hair and skin

Me; yeah apparently it’s a side effect as far as I know

“P” ohhhhh

“P” can I have one

Me; have one what

“P” one of them patch things, me hairs a right mess

Me; they are not for your hair they are for your hormones

“P” Well mine must be low cause me hairs a right show

Me; it’s not about your hair, I can’t give you them just for your hair, you have to get checked out by a doctor first.

“P” Well my doctor is a right prick – he hates me

Me; Huh?

To cut a long drawn out conversation short, she convinces me to let her have one patch, so I show her how to put it on her arm and scheme it can’t do much harm its only hormones. The next day……..

“P” those patches are not so hot I’ve lost the one you gave me

Me; how can you lose it?

“P” dunno it’s come of – I had a shower and its fell of and I can’t find it – I’ve looked everywhere

Me; it shouldn’t do that

“P” well can I have another one cause it hardly had time to work

So I give her another one, and she promply slaps it on her arm – the upshot is she talked me into giving her 10 of them (one a week) and of she goes home. Three weeks later she comes to visit me again……….

“P” those patches are a waste of bloody space

Me; why ??

“P” can’t keep em on, every time I have a shower they fall of and I can’t bleedin find them so I have to put another on

Me; Naw that can’t happen – are you putting them on right

“P” Well I peel the backing of and slap em on me arm what else is there to do wiv em

Me; I don’t understand it, mine have never fall off

“P” they crap so I can’t be arsed wiv em anymore – but me hairs looking and feelin a bit better

Me; how can it be if you losing them

“P” dunno but me hairs a lot better

Me; let’s have a look at your arm maybe something is wrong with your skin

“P” (glaring at me) aint nothing wrong wiv my skin you cheeky swine

Me; Don’t be so touchy – I’m not saying there is anything wrong with your skin I just can’t understand why they are not sticking to you.

“P” takes of her shirt top and throws her arm at me like an avenging sword – see nowt wrong wiv me skin

Me; checks her arm and she’s right not a patch on it and her skin looks fine – BUT as she turns around to put the shirt back on I notice something on her back – hang on a minute I say to her – keep still – I go to check her back and there all over it are 9 patches, all stuck solid – I start to panic and try to rip them off, she is squealing like a stuffed pig and the air turns blue.


Me; they are all over your back no wonder you couldn’t find them

“P” what’s all over me back

Me’ the bloody patches – jesus you have 9 of them on there no wonder your hair is feeling better oh my god you may have overdosed on them – I think we should call a doctor and ask – just to be sure you are ok

“P” Fuck that – its doin me hair the world of good – leave em on

What had actually happened is that every time “P” had put on a patch – she then had a shower, and the patch had “moved” onto varies parts of her back. The patch had not had time to “stick” properly hence she thought they had all fallen of and got lost, she couldn’t feel them on her back.

One after the other and with “P” doing her best to stop me – I peeled the lot of and told her she is not having anymore and that’s THAT.

“P” you’re a miserable tight fisted sod – for fucks sakes I’ve had worse drugs than them in me time but none of em have ever made me hair look so fuckin good – I’m goin to the shop for some fags mutter mutter “patches – who wears fuckin patches anyhow” mutter mutter screw her and her fuckin patches mutter mutter “she can shuv em up her arse” mutter mutter mutter …………………….

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