ME&P – THE ATOS ASSESSMENT

ME & “P” – ATOS ASSESSMENT

Atos: How are you today

P: Why who wants to fuckin know

Me: be nice P she only asking how you are

P; why wats it got to do wiv her?

Atos; Can you answer the telephone and how do you answer it?

P; yeah – whoever yous is fuck of and leave me alone

Atos; not what I was actually asking but lets try again

P; try wat again?

Me; P don’t get upset now she only asking simple question

Atos; (looking at me) thank you

Atos; (staring intently at puter screen) I would like to know do you watch tv

P; WAT WAT TV course I watch the fuckin tv (looks at me) is she fucking mental

Atos; what tv programmes do you like to watch

P; criminal minds, CSA and crime watch – but I don’t take it all in

Atos; (coughing rather harshly) ok now can I ask you is your friend here your friend

Me; HUH

P; W T wat you mean is she my friend course she my bleedin friend

Atos; Well what I mean is is she MORE than just a friend

P; dunno wat ya mean

Me; (getting the picture) sez nowt

Atos; well some people are friends and some people are more than just friends

P; (winding up a treat now stands up and heads to the desk where unfortunate Atos is sitting) what you sayin – you askin me if im one of dem der friggin lesions (means lesbians) you cheeky c*nt

Atos; err no no not necessarily – let’s leave that one

Me; starts laughin and tries very hard not to show it

Atos; please sit down P (then glares at me)

Atos; let me ask you P do you often get aggressive

P; who me ? Wat you mean do I get fuckin aggressive

Atos; well have you ever been admitted to any hospital for agressivness

P; you callin me a fuckin loony are ya – NO I AVNT BIN IN ANY FUCKIN HOSPITAL ALRIGHTTTTT

P; you better watch you sayin or I’ll give ya a fuckin slap

Atos; how would you feel about going to work

P; who ya talkin to NOW

Atos; You P

P; I aint going to work me feet are bad

P; tell her sue tell her how bad me feet are

Me; ok P ok – calm down

Me; her feet are bad – really bad

Atos; think we can end this part of the interview for now

2nd PART OF INTERVIEW – The Sat Nav

Atos; Now P tell me, what would you do if you got lost or were trying to find your way to somewhere you have not been before ?

P; dunno

Atos; Well think about – you are lost and you want to find where to go

P; I suppose I’d keep quiet like

Atos; I beg your pardon

P; I’d keep quiet

Atos; (looking at me very puzzled) why would you keep quiet, wouldn’t you ask somebody directions

P; no

Atos; so how would you find your way to where you want to go

P; (looks at me and shakes head) I’D KEEP BLEEDIN QUIET

Atos; you’re getting aggressive again P

P; no but you’d try the patience of fuckin saint

Atos; I’m not understanding why you would keep quiet

P; (again looks at me and this time looks up to the heavens) cause I’d be in either me sisters car or sue’s car and they have a sat nav so I’d keep fucking quiet so they could hear what the sat nav was saying so we wouldn’t get FUCKIN LOST – jesus are you thick or summat !

Atos; oh ok (shakes head and looks at me AGAIN)

3rd PART OF INTERVIEW – “Daily Business”

Atos; Well P we are doing very well – now – let’s ask how you go about your daily business

P; it aint none of yours for a start you nosey tw*t

Me; P she only asking you a polite question

P; yeah right go on then (looks at Atos)

Me; tells P to shut up and listen

Atos; do you go out alone are you happy to be on your own outside your home

P; NO

Atos; looking intently at P waiting for further information

P; none forthcoming

P; look at me and says “I only came here for me fuckin feet”

Atos; Ok P let’s say you are going to the shops

P; when? cause it won’t be today will it with all the time wasting yous are doin

Atos; I won’t be too long now just a few more questions

P; whatever – if I go to the shops then I go wiv me sister

Atos; So what you are saying is that you don’t go out alone

P; NOOOOOOOOOOOO I go wiv me sister how many more fuckin times

Atos; Where do you go

P; Adsa and Aldi

Atos; and do you go into asda and aldi or do you stay in the car

P; (tuts very loudly) I go in wiv her – been waiting to see if those bleeding pork chops are on special again but they weren’t, so I got some bacon instead

Atos; ok ok where do you go alone

P; nowhere – I don’t like people they bump into me and feel like I wanna tw*t em

Atos; so you get aggressive

P; whats all this wiv the fuckin agression – I came her about me feet

Atos; ok we have done the “going out” what about when you are at home

P; what about it

Atos; well let’s say somebody knocks on your door – how do you deal with that

P; All depends who it is, if it’s that bleeding tv licence guy again I fuck him right of there’s nowt worth watching on that fucking thing – just told him like – no you can’t come in ive got visitors and if he shows me up in front of me visitors then he will piss me right of and he must come back another time – then I shut the door

Atos; (totally gob smacked) oh ok I think we will leave it at that

P; you wanna try that aldi at ********** its bleeding good value you know

Me; just wet myself

4th PART OF INTERVIEW – The Doctors Report

P; right are we done

Atos; Not quite

P; fuckin-ell how much more

Me; Shut up

P; why what have I said

Me; to much – way too much

Atos; Lets go onto your illness

P; yeah me feet – bloody hurt summat awful

Atos; Well your doctor’s report doesn’t say anything about your feet

P; then he’s a lyin tw*t cause he hates me

Me; she doesn’t need to hear that and he doesn’t hate you

P; the tw*t does and I hate him as well

Atos; what exactly is wrong with your feet

P; they fuckin hurt and that doctor is a lying low life bastard tw*t

Atos; (looking totally unsure of herself) have you seen a specialist

P; yep – he said me deafness is definite and I got a hearing aid but the fuckin things to loud its blowing me ear drums out

Atos; I was talking about a specialist over your feet

P; I’ve just told ya

Atos; Lets go back to your feet what exactly is the problem with them

P; I’ve t-o-l-d youssssssss they hurt like fuck

Atos; How and where does it hurt?

P; (another extremely loud TUT) where dya think it hurts you idiot – on ME FUCKING FEET

Atos; but there is nothing in your doctor’s report that mentions your feet or to say there is anything wrong with them

P; I told yous that fuckin doctor hates me he’s done it on purpose how the fuck do I know whats wrong wiv em if he won’t tell me – I’m going to that fucking surgery when I get outta here and im gonna fuckin tw*t him puttin me through this shit – I hate him

Atos; we need to sort this out tell me how and where your feet hurt you and does the pain restrict your walking

P; listen im struggling to hear ya, can ya turn that bloody radio of

Atos; what radio (looking around her)

P; THAT ONE THERE on ya desk

Atos; (looks all around her desk stumped) I can’t see any radio P

P; jesus there there THERE – (and points to air dehumifyer) either turn it up or turn the fucking thing of that buzzing noise is drivin me to fuckin drink

Atos; drops her pen, and sits there looking at “P” absolutely stunned !!!!!!!

INTERVIEW HALTED FOR 15 MIN COFFEE BREAK

5th PART OF INTERVIEW- Housing Association

RESUMED INTERVIEW (only after I’ve told P to be clear in her answers and to stop swearing, also to keep focused)

Atos; Hello again P just want to ask do you live alone

P; yep

Atos; how do you cope in the home

P; drives me bleedin nutz

Atos; Do your feet cause you any problems in the home

P; (looks at her like she an alien) me feet ? no not me feet – the bastard house

Atos; Do you think you could explain

P; Well it’s that twattin housing association,

Atos; (looks blank at P) housing association?

P; tuts very loudly – yeah they hate me and I hate them

Me; (thinks – here we go again – she’s on a roll)

Me; focus ‘P’ focus

P; I am I am

Atos; so you live alone – how do you cope in your home, do you have any difficulties

Me: (rolls my eyes and prays to the gods)

P; difficulties you don’t know the arf of it that twattin housing association drives me MAD you wanna know what they did ?? Bunch ‘o’ bastards they are

Atos; Im not sure if I do I think we must get back to the subject in hand

P; I aint got nothing in me hand (holds hands up in air)

Me; P she isn’t asking you if you have anything in your hands

P; ok – I see she turned that bleedin radio of

Atos; Lets go onto something else shall we

P; if ya want – cause you getting me started on that twattin housing association and i cant cope wiv it

Atos; Actually I think we have done as much as we can

P; thank fuck for that me tennis elbow is killin me – hey you not asked me about me tennis elbow

Atos; that’s all for now I think I have another appointment and I am running late

P; (looks at me and says) jesus they drag you in ere for a bloody medical and don’t even let a person explain what the fuck is wrong with em

Me; can we go now

P; yeah you wasted a lot of my time today don’t you have better stuff to do than mither me

As we left the room – P – as usual – left her scarf on her chair – she promptly turns around just as the Atos woman comes out of same room and P runs in and get her scarf, meanwhile I’m watching Atos woman as she goes to the reception and asks for a strong painkiller because she has got a thumping headache, P (now with me) hears this and offers her some paracetamol and tells her “I don’t know how you do this fuckin job – you must get some right nutters …………………………………………….END OF INTERVIEW….. in the car on way home ‘P’ turns to me and says “think i did ok there but for fuckssake for a medical they dont let you answer do they?

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5 Responses to ME&P – THE ATOS ASSESSMENT

  1. Drew says:

    That’s the spirit!

  2. Lin says:

    Priceless

  3. Chris Rigley says:

    A job in customer relations it is then. STAMP!!!

  4. love it…Catherine Tate play the part? hilarious.

  5. Philhow says:

    needs a medal that hcp 🙂

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