ME&P – Shopping for Royal Variety Show Performance

Me and “P” – The Royal Variety Performance

(Shopping for RVP outfits)

2007 RVP – “P’s” sister has got us tickets for this, I was so excited I’ve watched this for years and never ever thought I would actually be part of the audience. “P” is subdued.

Me: I can’t wait to go

“P” yeah

ME; I’m dead excited

“P” yeah

Me; What’s up

“P” nowt

ME; yes there is what’s up

“P” told ya nowt

Me; ok forget I asked

“P” fuck off

Me; charming

“P” well what d’ya want me to do dance a fuckin jig

Me; right last time im asking you – WHATS UP

“P” what am I gonna wear

Me; clothes ?????

“P” oh fuck of you sarky cow

Me; look we can go shopping, have a day out doing it, we could have some fun (spoke far to soon)

“P” yeah I suppose – when?

Me; whenever you want let’s see – hows about Friday

“P” that 3 weeks before the RVP

Me; yeah and ???????

“P” ok let’s go Friday

Friday arrives and after picking “P” up from her house and going back several times for keys (lucky I had spare set), wallet, ciggies, mobile phone, library card she didn’t have in wallet (?), and FINALLY (because I completely lost the plot), her bank card, because she had wrong one in her wallet and so we set of too major shopping centre.

1st store we hit is the one that has -This is no ordinary high priced for shit store – this is a **** & **** high priced for shit store.

We start to look around at various clothes and I find something pretty quickly, I try it on and I buy it, job done.

“P” dunno how you do it,

Me; do what

“P” walk in a fuckin shop and get summat right away and it fuckin fits

Me; can you see anything you like

“P” can I fuck

Me; what about that black suit you always say you like the one twiggy models on TV (“P” won’t wear dresses)

“P” yeah that’s an idea let’s find it

Me; right ok would suit you really well

“P” SUE HERE IT IS (roars)

I go over and “P” is holding up said suit in front of her and is checkin it out in front of a mirror

Me; go try it on

“P” ok – off she goes to changing room the nice lady shop assistant (SA) gives her a 2 item card (it’s a suit) and “P” glares at her

“P” I aint got 2 items I got 1

SA; no it’s a suit my dear 2 items – it’s a lovely suit isn’t it – its flying of the shelves

“P” I got 1 fuckin item

SA; no its 2 items my dear I can assure you

“P” well you can’t fuckin count then cause I got 1 item on 1 fuckin coat hanger

Me; just get in and try it on will you – don’t start

“P” well I ask ya next you know they’ll stop me for fucking shoplifting cause I got a ticket that sez 2 items and I only got 1 fuckin suit on 1 fuckin coat hanger – cant fuckin win

Me; they wont

“P” like yous will care if they fuckin do – stomps of muttering

Me; waiting patiently outside cubicle – 15 mins go by – “Hows it goin “P”

“P”; ok

Me; let’s see what it looks like then – curtain “slams” open

Me; WOW it look great on you

“P” Naw I reckon its shite (proceeds to list a whole lengthy list of reasons it looks shite and not one of them apart from trousers to long are the truth)

Me; no it look great on you honestly it does – love the lapels

“P” fuck the lapels they got fuckin shiny bits on em

Me; no its just the edges lined in satin – it looks really smart

“P” fuck of yous would have me look a right twat in front of fuckin lizzy slap cabbage

Me; WHO ?????

“P” the fuckin queen

Me; oh ok (lizzy slap cabbage?????) take it off and lets go look for something else

“P” “slams” curtain shut and mutter mutter mutter

We leave said shop after “P” has handed back the 2 item card, glaring appropriately at said shop assistant and daring her to block her. – she doesn’t – I breathe again.

To save a zillion words on how we for the next 4 hours, zigzagged across this major shopping centre going into every clothing store at least 3 times, (and me trying to find her at least 20 times cause she buggered of on her own mission and it’s just too easy for her to have her mobile phone switched on – NOT) eventually “P” buys a C’D by MIKA and promptly tells me that the one bout the “big girls” reminds her of me – I just as promptly say that whenever i hear “Nobody Loves a Fairy When She’s Forty” strangely has exact same effect on me – about her. End of convo. 5 minutes peace and quiet ensues.

“P” suppose we better go get that suit then

Me; which suit

“P” that one wiv the fuckin shiny bits on it cause I aint seein fuck all else that’ll do

Me; ok (I’d actually forgotton said suit with shiny bits)

“P” Which shop was it in

Me : tells her

“P” let’s go then – hurry the fuck up will ya im getting pissed of wiv this now

Me; gob smacked because it’s her that’s had me walking around like a chicken with no head

Me; you cheeky sod – (see above line)

“P” Just let’s get it done with then we can get the fuck outta here im sick of it

Me; ok it’s at the other end from where we are

“P” fuckin ell whatever cunt does these cuntin shoppin centres are fuckin useless why is it that the twattin place I need to be is ALWAYS at the fuckin other end of where I fuckin am

Me yeah I totally agree with you and it always seems to be when I’m with you

“P” fuck off

In said shop and “P” got hold of suit and looking at it AGAIN

Me; it looks really great “P” im glad you going to get it

“P” what’ll I wear with it – this is a fuckin nightmare – its twattin me head up – im fuckin fed up – we’re not goin, fuck it – we’re not goin – I fuckin mean it – we’re NOT FUCKIN GOIN, fuck the fuckin queen who the fuck is she anyhow, fuckin queen – I’ll fucking “queen” her

Me; (on way to losing the plot) well I’m going and if you’ve had me run ragged for nearly 5 bloody hours and then say YOU’RE not goin then DON’T FUCKIN GO BUT JUST KNOW I AM GOING – GOT IT (this all in middle of said shop with everyone looking at us)

“P” (noticing everyone looking at us) what yous all fuckin gawping at I’M NOT FUCKING GOINGGGGGGGGGGG I “(h) ATE” THE FUCKIN QUEEN – people in said shop now totally in awe of “P” and clearly show they think she is just one step away from jackets with lots of belts and buckles on it

Me; that’s it I’ve had enough I’m out of here – I start walking away


Me; marches back up to her and “hisses” into her face – your hair, your hair, I’ll cut the bleedin lot of and tar and feather ya then you’ll have fuckin hair – now stop showing me up

“P” yeah yous fuckin would luv to do that wouldn’t ya – go on then fuckin do it lets see how fuckin clever yous really is yous smart mouthed bastard

Me; don’t tempt me

Me; 10 minutes later and at a fair distance from the now enraged “P” “ I call her – hey “P” come and check this sequinned tie out, it would look gorgeous with that suit

“P” fuck your secins, I don’t fuckin want em

Me; ok but it would look amazing with that suit – I walk slowly away from sequinned tie

“P” can’t resist coming over to check out said sequinned tie – hmmmmmm hmmmmmm these not bad are they – an it got lastic that goes round the neck wont fuckin strangle me will it.

Me; walks back to now calmer “P” – no it would look amazing with that suit – and we get a white blouse with it – stunning

“P” what about me hair

Me; I will do it as I usually do and it will look great as it usually does

“P” you put streaks in and cut it

Me; yep

“P” ok let’s buy suit and tie then – It’ll have to fuckin do wont it

Me; it will look brilliant, let go see if we can find shirt or top that will match up with it

“P” ok

We eventually find a lovely white top that looks amazing with both suit and tie, and FINALLY “P” buys it all and we leave shop – BUT and it’s a BIG BUT – the lady cashier does her job wonderfully and even remembers to tell “P” don’t worry if you not happy with it when you get it home we will give you your money back or exchange it without any questions asked. ME: MOANS LIKE LURCH – AGAIN

As we are going to car park

“P” I did it – and she didn’t even fuckin notice

Me; did what???

“P” got the right size suit

Me; huh size 12 wasn’t it

“P” yeah up top I am – but trousers im size fuckin 10

Me; what have you done

“P” giggling her head of – I swopped em – I fuckin swopped em

Me; swopped WHAT

“P” now in fits of giggles and holding bag out and pointing to it

“P” the suit

Me; I’m not with you what have you swopped

“P” the fucking trousers – I got a 12 jacket and a fuckin 10 trouser and the dozy twat didn’t notice she didn’t check it

Me; so some poor sod is going to get the wrong size suit now and think their boobs have suddenly grown and they’ve lost weight on their bum or the other way round

“P” falls about helplessly laughing now

Me; you’re a bloody hero you are

“P” still screaming laughin

Me; and what if she had noticed and pulled you up

“P” I would have said it was fuckin you that did it

Me; thanks a stack I love you as well

“P” let’s go before they fuckin notice

Me; get in the car

HOME and 2 hours later I’ve taken said trouser hem up for her which involved cutting a piece of hem and re-stitching

“P” they don’t fuckin feel right

Me; what don’t

“P” these trousers they to bleedin tight on me arse

Me; well it’s too late now I’ve altered them – just breathe in a bit

“P” what dya mean breathe fuckin in – I always fuckin breathe in – be a bit fuckin stupid not to fuckin breath in wouldn’t it f-u-c-k-i-n-e-l-l

Me; I meant pull your tummy in

“P” fuck off – I’m taking them back

Me; but you can’t I’ve altered them

“P” tough shit they goin back

Me; well I’m not coming with you – you can go on your own

“P” well you heard her she said I could take em back if I wasn’t fuckin happy wiv em and I’m not so I’m takin em fuckin BACKKKKK

Me; well you’re on your own I’m not going back there

“P” stomps out of the room and all goes quiet, then the front door BANGS shut. About 2 hours later she comes back and proudly holds bag in the air

“P” see you fuckin idiot they changed em – and I didn’t even go back to same bleedin shop I went to the one in town. I told em they didn’t fit and that I had been give the wrong fuckin suit that top was 12 and trouser was 10 and it weren’t right and it was their fault for not checking the fucking stock in 1st place. So they changed em.

Me; didn’t they notice I’d altered them

“P” did they fuck I kept em talkin and every time the woman went to pick em up I grabbed em and started telling her it was a bloody disgrace

Me; ok put them on let’s see if I have to turn these up

“P” puts on trouser and I pin up and alter hem – everything is fine and we put all her outfit on one hanger cover it with big plastic bag and put it away.


To Be Cont……………………..

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