A Trip to the Bank

After several months of “P” telling me that her phone company were ripping her off (and other descriptive verbal assaults on them) and after months and months of me telling “P” she needs to set up a Direct Debit to pay them then she wouldn’t be losing receipts of payments, would not have to remember the date the bill was due, wouldn’t have to schlep to the shops to pay it and finally would give me a bit of peace over the whole damn thing. I finally get her to go into the bank and I go along with her as we have had a zillion conversations about the difference between what is a “Direct Debit” and a “Debit Card” and all have ended with either me or “P” slamming the phone down and promptly heading for the paracetamol bottle. We enter the bank;

“P”; Where do I go

Me; To the teller

“P” Where the fuck is THAT

Me; there – over there (pointing to the “teller”)

“P” Ok – she looks a right fuckin piece of work

Me; (looking round) who?

“P” her – pointing to the said teller woman

Me; You cant say that you not even got to her yet

“P” Yeah well watch and see they always treat me like im fuckin idiot

Me; Not today they wont – trust me

“P” (to teller) I wanna pay me phone bill by “Direct Debit Card”

Teller; Im sure we can help you

“P” good

Teller; Do you have an account with us

“P” Wouldn’t fuckin be here if I didn’t

Me; Don’t start

“P” Well what a fuckin stupid question – would I be here if I didn’t have a twattin account

Me; ok ok we get it – don’t start

Teller; (sitting patiently and smiling at “P”) right do you have a Debit Card

“P” (looks at me) do I ?

Me; yep its that one in your hand

“P” (passes under the glass to the teller – BIG grin on her face) there ya go there it is

Teller; (pushes it back to her) I don’t need it but If you could pop into the machine there

“P” why fuckin ask me for it if you don’t need it – (looks at me) HERE WE FUCKIN GO

Me; what she wants you to do is put it in the machine and tap in your pin number

“P” why – if I do that she can nick me money

Me; she aint interested in your money she needs you to do it so she can set up the direct debit on your account

“P” I just wanna pay the fuckin phone bill without me head getting twatted

Me; we getting it sorted to do just that – now shut up and listen to the woman

Teller; Is there a problem

Me; No no don’t worry she couldn’t hear you properly that’s all


“P” I FUCKIN HEARD YA THE 1ST TIME (in even louder voice)

Me; does impression of Lurch from Adams Family when he does that “moaning noise”

“P” Listen yous (pointing her finger “loudly” at teller)- if ANY fuckin money goes out of my bank account im coming back here and god help ya – fuckin banks yous all a shower of thieving bastards

Teller; I beg your pardon?

Me; don’t worry she doesn’t mean it

Teller; glares at me and starts to ignore “P”

Teller; what exactly is needed here

Me; “P” wants to set up a direct debit on her account to pay ******* (phone company)

Teller; Ok I need her to put her debit card into the machine and I can do this easily for her

“P” fuckin FINALLY

Teller; (looking at “P”) Could you please stop using abusive language its not very nice to listen to

Me; no problem – (turns to “P” and spittin feathers under my breath says) fuckin stop it now

“P” well I ask ya how many more fuckin times must we tell her what we wanna do, stupid twat she is

Me; Stop it

Me; (turns to bank teller) right what else do you need

Teller; (glaring at “P”) I – need – her – to – put – the -card – in – the – machine


“P” (turns to me) whats me fuckin pin number

Me; how would I know

“P” well how the fuck would I know

Me; jesus – god give me patience but hurry up

Teller; (looking from me to “P”- me to “P” and finally cottoning onto the fact this is “P“) look if it’s a problem we can do it another way

“P” NOW she fuckin tells us

Me; that would be very helpful thank you what do you need

Teller; I just need the debit card

“P” What the FUCK are ya on about I just give ya the bleedin card and ya gave it me back

Me; She needs it – pass it over to her

“P” virtually throws it under the glass partition and it bounces right onto tellers desk

Teller; glares at “P” and starts to swipe the card on her side

“P” I don’t know the pin number cant remember it

Teller; don’t worry I don’t need it

“P” shes doin my fuckin head in, 1st she needs it then she don’t , then it’s the twattin pin number then it aint do ya wonder I lose the fuckin plot

Me; calm down – this isn’t helping lets just get it done and go home

Teller; now who is the direct debit for

“P” that twattin ******* (phone company) they keeps fucking me about and Ive lost the receipt and they said I aint paid me bill and then the TWATS cut me phone off and it was yous fuckers that took me bill money and I cant find the fuckin receipt

Teller; so its ****** (phone company) you want the direct debit for

“P” how many MORE FUCKIN times do I have to tell YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Me; (turning to “P”) I cant cope with this if you yell once more im gonna fuck you right up, right here, right now, got it ?????????

“P” welllllllllll it aint my fuckin fault – cant understand what the fuck they playin at

Me; (to teller) look this isn’t working can we by any chance do this somewhere else

Teller; errrmmmmmm

Me; (in total desperation) she got learning difficulties and she isn’t understanding you

Teller; Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh ok I see – just wait one moment please – she beetles of and speak to some guy – they chunner for a minute or so then teller comes back – just take a seat over there and somebody is coming to help you.

“P” (pouncing on me) what the fuck you mean ive got fuckin learnin problems – I fuckin aint you cheeky cunt

Me; (hissing at her like a rattlesnake with toothache) you have today now shut it or im out of here

“P” well fuck of then see if I give a shit

Me; you’re pushing it now – do you want this direct debit or not cause im not bothered ive got my direct debits and its not my phone that will be cut off and im not taking one more FUCKIN phone call of you about this phone shit – OK

Me; are we goin or are we staying and getting it sorted

“P” course we stayin to get it sorted – dunno why you getting so fuckin wound up its not like ive done owt or said owt wrong – stomps of and sits down where she was shown to

Me; follows “P”

BL (bank lady); hello I hear you need some help here – do you want to come with me

Me: Yes thank you – gets up to follow said BW

“P”; (as she gets up dragging her heels to follow us) I aint got dip shit wrong wiv me – you cheeky fucking  twattin cunt ya – just wait till we get outta here – I’m gonna twat you like you never bin twatted before

Me; ignores onslaught

“P” digs me in the back and when I turn around she is grinning at me “fuck you” she says

Me; right back at you sweetness – I hiss

Now we in an office and the nice bank lady offers us a seat each I sit in one and “P” promptly goes to the window and checks out the view said bank lady is looking at her and then looks at me

Me; “P” come sit down we need to get this done

“P” nice view from ere you can the ******* (famous landmark) fuckin great innit

Me; yeah come sit down now – which she does

BL; (in a very low soft nicey nicey voice) right lets get started

“P” don’t get me fuckin started my heads twatted as it is

BL; looks up then looks down again

BL; could I have your debit card so I can get your account details and set up the direct debit

“P” (looks at me and lifts eyes to heaven) yeah here it is my direct debit card and passes card to BL

BL; ok, what you are giving me is a “DEBIT CARD” what I am doing is setting up a “DIRECT DEBIT

Me; does silent Lurch moan AGAIN

“P” looks at her and says yeah I know that’s why I give you direct debit card

BL; (looks at me puzzled) right just give me a minute and starts tapping in details – ahhh here it is now I believe you want to set up a direct debit for ******* (phone company) is that correct

Me; yes thank you

“P” that twattin ******** (phone company) they a bunch or fuckin idiots they ripped me of you know

BL; I see, that’s not nice is it – right I’ve now set your direct debit up to ****** (phone company) and they will take out the correct amount of money every month for you – is that okay

“P” nods

BL; looking at the bill you have given me I have started the direct debit for you at the end of every month – is that ok?

“P” nods – but is busy checking out a biggish machine to the left of her – what’s that she asks

BL; (all gushy and sugar sweet) Oh that’s a F – A – X machine do you know what they are and what they do?

Me: looks at “P” and starts to virtually shit myself – I’ve just seen its “Ps” payback time and I can see it in her eyes – they twinkling and she means business

“P” no I’ve heard of em like but I havn’t a clue what they for *sweeter than sweet smile” at BL

BL; jumps up and goes to said fax machine, well let me show you – they are really very clever machines you can send anything anywhere in the world on them,

“P” WOW you hear that sue – you can send anything anywhere – that’s fuckin neat innit

Me; yeah they‘re great – have we finished now – can we go now

“P” Noooooooooo hang on a mo (she smirks at me) – I wanna see how this fuckin thing works – whats it called a T – A – X machine

BL; No it’s a F – A – X machine FFFFFF-AX machine

“P” TTTTTTFFFFFffffff – a – x machine (making her mouth contort out of all proportion)

BL; that’s it a fax machine and you can send anything you want to anywhere in the world with it

“P” fuckin neat – go on then send summat somewhere let me see how it does it

BL; (getting a bit twitchy) Well do you know anybody who has a fax machine “P”

“P” errmmmmm dunno but I wanna see it work like

Me; think we need to go now “P”

“P” totally ignores me and sticks a zap sign up behind her back at me that the nice BL cant see

Me; does silent Lurch impression again

BL well we would need to have a telephone number and a fax machine of someone you know before we can send a message to them

“P; I know I know who’s got a fax machine and her face lights up like blackpool illuminations

BL; (breathes – out breathes in) ok “P” who is it and what do you want to say to them

“P” send it to that twattin ******* (phone company) and tell em to go fuck themselves cause I’ve got a direct debit card set up now and they can go an fuck off if they think for one minute they getting any more fuckin money outta me the fuckin thieving bastard cunts that they are. T W A T S

BL; goes very pale even under 10 tons of make-up

Me; thinks BL is gonna pass out

BL; (all in one breath) yes yes well erm yes well I don’t think that would be appropriate would it really and it could get me in trouble and I think we have done everything now that is unless you need anything else doing “P” and I would be happy to help you get anything else done for you.

“P” naw I’ve done all I came to do

Me; yep it appears you have well and truly done everything you intended to do – now can we go

“P” where’s me fuckin direct debit card and glares at nice BL

BL; stumbles over to her desk and gets the card and passes it to “P”

“P” ya nearly forgot that didn’t yous – see I’m on the fuckin ball – thank you

BL; no thank you it was very nice to meet you

“P” yeah ok nice to meet yous as well, whats yer name again cause next time I come here for some fuckin help I’ll ask fer yous yourself.

BL; (again all in one breath) I don’t think that would be to helpful to you I may not be available and there are plenty more account managers around so don’t hesitate to ask at the front desk to see one of us – anytime. (does not give name)

“P” but I wanna see yous

Me; right lets go “P” we done here

“P” turns to nice BL and tells her don’t worry I’ll find ya when I come in again nice meeting yous


Me; You just had to THAT didn’t you –

“P” do what ??? What did I fuckin do

Me; you know all to well what you fuckin did

“P” I got me direct debit card set up that’s all

Me; yeah course you did

“P” well that’ll fuckin teach ya to say im thick – did you see her fuckin face when I told her to fax that twatting ****** (phone company) thought she was gonna ave a fuckin heart attack, (roars laughin)

“P” TTTTTTTFFFFFFFffffff – A – X machine – fuck I thought I was gonna collapse laughin

Me; I nearly collapsed of embarrassment

“P” tough shit

Me; yeah – as always with you and we both crack up laughing …………….


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