I used to be an interior designer, a good one, so about 8 yrs ago and on a visit to “P” one day I realised she was literally drowning in her own hoarding problems. I arranged that for 2 weeks I would live at her home and put it to rights. It took me 2 weeks to empty the house of the absolute crap she had hoarded, every drawer, every cupboard, every nook and cranny was crammed with shite. The one bedroom was so full up we had to force the door open between us. I actually found in excess of £1200 she had squirreled away and forgot about, it was stuffed in video cases, book, trouser pockets – you name it she had stored money there. I subsequently found over 15 money boxes filled with coins ended up counting another £1000 or so.  I spent weeks filling up the car and trips to the local tip getting rid of the crap.  In the end I counted over 150 pairs of jeans, approx 90 had never been worn – but they were a bargain – not her size – but they were a bargain !!!!!! Hope you got the jist. None of this included the stuff I crammed into her loft for future car boot sales.

Anyway after about 4 months (yep MONTHS) I had finally got the bedrooms, bathroom , hall, landing and stairs painted and decorated and ready for some decent furniture. The hallway had to be painted 3 times over cause “P” decided she was suddenly “gifted” in interior design and she bought the wrong paint. So we got 4 different wall colours. Finally it was completed and I threw away all the paint brushes to stop her going over and over it time and time again.

 The day dawns and its off we go to IKEA. We had the list of items she needed plus the colour scheme we needed to adhere to. I figured that the walls of her home would be painted all the same colour (a very neutral warm cream and then she could go for whatever colours she wanted for the “colour scheme” – which could be changed at anytime – by way of furnishing – it’s a simple but effective way to deal with “P”) We had the money (after going to Asda and changing the coinage into notes – she ended up kicking the machine cause it charged a small commission) and complained bitterly all the way about it. (to this day she still does).

 We get into Ikea and the 1st thing that “P” notices are these bright red cushions laying very nicely on a nice cream sofa, she wants them – I tell her NO you cant have em, “fuck you” she says “im avin em” – right ok you have them – so in the trolley they go – 9 of them – she aint even got a sofa at this point and we shopping for bedrooms, bathroom, hall and stairway. I scheme if I let her put everything she thinks is right in one trolley and I actually put everything that is right in mine then at some point I can part her from the “not right trolley”. Onwards and upwards we go. By the time we get half way round this store she is so laden down with shite she cant see over the trolley, so she is bumping and crashing into everything possible. She tells one young guy who works there – as she slices the skin of his shins – to get outta the fuckin way cause she cant see where she is going you dozy bastard. He was in agony but kept it together pretty well considering.

Now we get to bedroom part of Ikea, I know exactly what we need i.e. curtains, bedding, (I’ve used Ikea so much in my life I know exactly what they have and how much it costs and we are on a budget) I go straight to the curtains and pick up 2 pcks of them and put them in my “right thing to buy” trolley. She promply takes them out – I put them back in – she takes them out – I tell her these are what we need to “shush” the bedrooms, she tells me to “shush off” and takes them out again. She says she cant see the “end result” in her mind – I tell that doesn’t matter cause I can. She takes them out again. I ignore her and walk away – she ROARS “I don’t fuckin want them” I carry on walking – then BAM my head is ringing and im thrown across a bed like a rag doll, she has only thrown the said curtains at me and hit bullseye right on the back of my head. I get up glare at her and carry on walking ;

(me) muttering to myself – im not gonna fuck her up – im not gonna fuck her up

(“P”) aww I didn’t mean to actually hit you with them are you alright

(me) NO im not

(“P”) im sorry im sorry

(me) its ok lets carry on shopping

(“P”) I suppose we could buy the curtains I’m just not sure how they will look,

(me) then ask me

(“P”) how will they look

(me) excellent

(“P”) ok then I trust you lets go an ave a cup of tea – my treat !!!!!!!!!!!

Curtains are put in said trolley.

We go into the “café” and order some lunch and refreshments. This only took about hour and half – she only got to take food back twice (OCD with “P”) before I started to freak out and tell her if she did it one more time I would shuv the food down her throat – plate and all. She eats the food without another word.

We now get to the “picture” part of Ikea, we have already had another hour picking out bedroom furniture, which she couldn’t say much about cause she couldn’t see what it looked like cause it was flat pack. I know exactly what is needed and I get it, “P” is behaving herself.

I let her go wild with the pictures, but I’m firm about the frames, luckily she doesn’t notice to much and doesn’t say to much either – sends a small prayer upwards.

By this time I am getting exhausted and very “unchilled” – we hit the wardrobe dept and the next hour is spent trying to explain to “P” that NO you cant have the same amount of wardrobes I have cause my wall is 12mtrs long and yours is 3mtrs long. THEY WONT FIT !!!!!

“P”; Why wont they fit

Me; Cause my wall is longer than yours

“P”; well cant we fuckin squash em together a bit more

Me; they made of wood and wood don’t “squash”

“P” fuck it – you would think I was asking for the fuckin moon

Me; wood wont squash

“P” this is twattin my head up fuck it I don’t want them

Me; ok lets move on

“P” but why wont they fuckin squash a bit

Me; cause you cant get 12mtr of wardrobes into a gap of 3mtr we have to leave some out

“P” ok ok so lets get 3mtr of wardrobes then

Me; ok

“P” I want what you’ve got – the same as

Me’ you cant have the same cause mine are 12m and you only got 3m space

Me; you can have 3 robes so take your pick of what you want inside them

“P” I want what you’ve got

Me; If you carry on much more you will be goin home inside one of the fuckin things and they can use it as a friggin coffin.

“P” No need to swear

Me; I’m not swearing I’m losing the plot and the will to live

“P” fuckin great you supposed to be helping me and you swear at me

Me; “just carry on”

Finally “P” agrees she don’t want wardrobes so of we go and end up in “kitchen” part of Ikea. Now the fun really begins.

“P” is like a kid in a sweetie shop, every item in that kitchen part is duly put into yet another trolley – she is now struggling to push 2 trolleys piled high at the same time and the air is blue with profane descriptions of what she thinks of these “fuckin twattin cuntin” trolleys from hell. She has also helped herself to 2 of those bags Ikea have and one is slung over each of her shoulders and packed to bursting point. She look like a New York bag lady. She is, as yet, unaware that none of it is coming home with us. Ive got all the light and lamp fitting for her bedrooms, she got four different light fitting for her lounge, she only has one light in her lounge.

We now hit the part that you organise delivery (we had bought 2 sofa’s and other bedroom furniture) “P” duly gives the nice man all her address details and arranges times for delivery and the nice man says that will be £35.00 ……..

“P” what you mean 35 quid – for WHAT

Man; it’s the delivery charge

“P”; yer what £35 quid to go about 25 miles are you fuckin MAD

Man; no it’s a standard charge set by Ikea

“P”; don’t care if the friggin queen herself that sez it – 35 quid is a fuckin rip of

Man; well leave it then – take it home yourself

“P” lets put it in your car sue

Me; it wouldn’t even half fit in my car P

“P” course it would

Me; it’s a car not a 3 ton truck

“P” im fuckin fed up of this – turns to man – cant you give me a discount

 Man; No

“P” you miserable twat – go on im spending a lot in here today

Man; I can’t im not allowed

“P” fuckin jobs worth

Man; whatever you say

“P” well you got me like a cornered rat – here’s the 35 quid you arlarse – (liverpudlian slang for asshole)

Man; thank you – here’s your receipt

“P” im gonna report you for the way you have treated me

Man; you need locking up

“Me; he didn’t mean it P lets go

“P” ok fuck him lets go pay for the stuff sue bet they want full price as well …………….


 We are stood in the queue from hell, must be about 20 checkouts and they all busy busy busy, “P” starts to wander around and leaves her trollies and Ikea bags just stood in the middle of the floor space, I tell a young woman that the trollies and bags can be removed as I don’t know who they belong to – she duly shifts them before “P” get back from her wanderings.

“P” where’s me shopping trollies and bags

Me; they been removed cause you just dumped em on the floor and walked away

Me; anyway it don’t matter cause we aint buying the stuff anyway

“P” why not

Me; cause its not what we came for and most of it is junk and you will never ever use it

“P” but I like what I bought

Me; but its not what we came for and you wont use it

“P” how do you know

Me; cause I’ve just spent 4 months clearing out all the previous junk you bought and never used

“P” but ive pushed and carried it all around this fucking store

Me; more fool you

“P” I cant even remember what was there now

Me; good

“P” some mate you are – you throw all me fuckin stuff out, then wont let me buy it fucking back again

Me; I didn’t just throw all you stuff out – you were there to say what could and couldn’t be thrown out

“P” that’s not the point

Me; well what is the point – explain it to me

“P” im not sure but I’ll think of summat

  Me; ok let me know when you have

 “P” fuckoff

 Just as the curtains come up to be scanned she grabs them and throws them across Ikea aying “you can shuv them up your arse“, they hit a massive glass bottle stand and the crash brought the store to a standstill.

 Me; you lunatic what you do that for

 “P”; cause I don’t fuckin want them

 Me; ok leave them ive actually gone past caring now

 “P” fuckoff

 Next thing is a manager comes up and tells us that the items broken have to be paid for – could we just go with him whilst his staff add up the damage to the glass items. Just as “P” is starting to kick of he tells her that if she says a word the police will be called and she will get done for criminal damage. “P” is stunned into silence and I duly end up paying £78 quid for the glass that was broken. The manager asks “P” not to come into his store again and she promptly tells him to fuck off that his store is shite and his curtains are crap.

 I get her out of Ikea and she is muttering away to herself and we get into my car and I tell her I need the toilet and she must wait in the car – we then drive home. Unbeknown to her I have not gone to toilets I went and bought the curtains.

 Eventually the rooms are finished and the furniture built and everything has a place and all is in its place, I do this while “P” is keeping herself busy and I don’t let her into the rooms till its all done. I tell her it’s a “changing rooms” moment. She is gob smacked at the finished result – beautiful she says, absolutely amazing, you’ve made the rooms look twice the size, don’t know how you do it sue, and the curtains are stunning where you get them from….……………..

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