A Certain Family on the Jiminy Klyle Show

A Certain Family on the Jiminy Klyle Show

Jiminy;  Welcome to the Jiminy Klyle show, today we have what I can only describe as what must be one of the most dysfunctional families that have ever appeared on this show, let me introduce you to Queenie, the matriarch of this family who has come to the end of her tether and here is why;

Jiminy; Hello Queenie, tell us, what is going on in your family, tell the audience, because when I read your original story I was truly speechless.

Hello Jiminy; Well er er, its like this, see, (dabs eyes with a piece of bog roll) I er er like I have this family, 1 girl and 3 boys, all grown up now, but I had a sister who died from alcohol and smoking addictions, but I coped with that cause she was a wild un was our Megs, and she put it about a bit specially when she was pissed, blessin in disguise I reckon what wiv rehab on deserted islands an all, nuthin worked for longer than a month or so.

Then there was me muvver bless her cotton socks, over 100 she was when she popped her clogs,but same story – must be in the genes, swigging gin and gambling, havin wild parties an at her age as well, suppose she felt she had earned it as her usband was well lets say socially shy, well to be perfectly honest he always got tongue tied, none of us could understand a frikken word he said.

I’ve got 7 grandkids (well that’s how many I know about) and I’m proud of em all, well most of em, there’s our Arry, bit of a wild un he is, runnin around playin wiv guns, wearing big hats – ruddy great big ones at that, and getting his kit out in some hotel in front of everyone – problem was there was some woman who was some sort of shady actress/ model and it ended up in all the newspapers, I told him – I did – I said listen ere Arry this has to stop how cud ya show ya googlies of like that and in front of a waitress as well, where you get ya manners, frikken scrape em of the floor did ya? not good Jiminy not good. Told him if an he does it ever again he gonna get his dope taken of him fer a whole week.

Then there’s our Zits, orse mad she is, orse mad, when I found out she was sleepin in a big feck of pile of hay next to the bleddy orse I put me foot down Jiminy, I did, told her what would the neighbours say, I mean what wiv all this shite on that there tinternet a person has to be careful, don’t they Jiminy, anyhows she married some big dumb fecker who plays that game erm erm yeah RUGBY that’s it, wedding cake hadn’t even been shuved into the serviettes and handed out when he ended up in the bleddy Sun messin about wiv a model, what is it wiv these models Jiminy where they come from, they like flies round shit. Anyhows she preggers now so all should be sorted – well at least until the paternity test is done. Gawd help us.

Then there’s our Zits brother, he been a good boy – up to now but there’s time there’s time.

There is our Betty, got teeth like a bleddy horse she has and her eyes are scary shit, she has taken to wearing frikken daft hats, you should ave seen the show she made of us wiv the hat she wore at our Dickie’s weddin, between her and the sister of the bride’s arse is it any wonder the bride lost weight and had greasy hair for a year and couldn’t get a frock to fit her for all the bleddy tea in china, yeah in CHINA Jiminy – I’m tellin ya Jiminy the stress of that made me take off for the caravan in Clindsor fer a few weeks I just couldn’t cope wiv the stress of it all.

Aww bless our little (well not so little) Jenny, got a bad back she has, Atos told her she fit for work but her dad had a round of golf wiv the manager and she didn’t even have to go to an appeal, straight in support group she went, and from wat her dad sez she wont be bovvered again. Bless her she luvs a good rock concert does our Jenny, specially if she gets free front row tickets. Well we all need a bit of a perk now and then don’t we Jiminy.

Don’t hear much from our Ed’s  girl, since he got hauled over the coals for making illegal films of his brother, I bung him a few quid these days since he got married and it keeps him quiet.

Our Dickie now, well I mean Jiminy what can I say, not a days trouble as he brought to me door, fink it was his upbringin, luverly mum he had, a bit dotty, bit to ready to splash the cash of clothes an stuff but none of us perfick are we Jiminy, sad day when she left us.

He married now an their first kid expected any day now, told em if they need help wiv buyin the nappies, I’m appy to buy em a few, I took em to Matalan and kitted the kid out, 3 babygro’s, 3 pr scratch mitten, 12 bibs that say “I luv the Muppets” and a couple of them long sleeved vests, well we can’t let it feel the cold can we Jiminy, no Jiminy we can’t.  Am planning to go to that there Burburry’s bin saving up for months, and get sum of that stripey stuff for it, you know, rompers, dresses, shoes, socks, hairband, coat, dummy, and buggy blanket and sun brolly, should look very swanky specially if it’s wearing it all at the same time. Not short of a bit of class we aint Jiminy.

Where are we Jiminy, oh yeah there’s me daughter our Aggie, another horse faced twat if I say so meself, but fer the life of me it must be her father’s genes, she can be, erm, lets say, feckin rude to say the least, another one fer the orses she is, tells us all to eff orf and she bin wed twice now, after the cost of the first bloody weddin I told her no friggin way am I payin fer it a second time, I mean Jiminy it’s too much innit. Mind yous, the first one was a right ole miserable git, got another woman preggers and hid it fer years he did, not right Jiminy not bleddy right is it. Anyways she kicked him to touch, present one a bit like a clapped out drill tryin to drill an ole in wood, just bleddy boring boring boring and eats like a butcher’s dog.

Then there’s me eldest lad, I lose the will to live on a daily basis wiv him Jiminy, l really do, he gonna send me to me grave before much longer, I mean talking to frikken plants, writing letters to this ere parliament sayin the stupidest shite, marryin a horse faced toe rag who he bin bein mucky wiv fer years, (why is it always orses???) and she happy to be a bleddy tampon fer chris sakes, sayin that luverly building was a carbuncle, I mean what the ell he on about, me carbuncles are bleedy painful they are Jiminy how can a building have a carbuncle???? I tell yous Jiminy he aint right in the ead, he aint right at all.

Look Jiminy none of us is perfick none of us and I meself like a little flutter on the gee gees (well I say little) but anyways they gotta start behaving themselves cause if they don’t then im gonna feck em all up and holy.

Jiminy Klyle; Ok Queenie, we are going to get to the bottom of this if it kills me, backstage ladies and gents we have this family waiting to come out and give their version of events, may I first introduce………………………….







Posted in ME&P | 2 Comments

Me&”P” – A Night at the Bingo

ME&C – A Night at the Bingo

“C” was visiting me and after insisting she was “bored shitless” we decided to go and have a “night at the bingo”, I have been to Bingo a couple of times in my life and I’ve actually enjoyed it, you can have a drink or two, get chatting to other people and even – if you are lucky – win a couple of quid.
After paying for our books of bingo tickets, which took over half an hour and 27 minutes of that was explaining to “C” that you could have as many books as you want and how many games you wanted to play on any particular game. i.e. 1 page book right through to 6 page books. Also explaining that the different games have different books, I came away clutching my books of games with trepidation and a fear of what the hell was going to happen. “C” it turns out had only ever played bingo at the seaside on those machines that go to quick. I fell right into the trap without a second thought. Once inside the bingo hall we find (after much mooching around) a table and start to unpack the various markers and pens (pats myself on the back – got plenty) then the ciggies comes out (before smoking bans) and we are ready to rock and roll.

“C” Fancy a drink

Me; yeah I’ll have a coffee what you havin

“C” a coffee – fucks sake I said a DRINK

Me; ok I’ll have half a lager

“C” well you go get em and I’ll stay here with the stuff

Me; nice one, what you havin

“C” vodka and red bull – make it a double

Me; ok – you sure vodka and red bull?

“C” yeh

I come back with the said drinks and have a 10 minute debate of what robbing bastards they are at the bar – enough said. “C” promptly necks her drink in four gulps
“C” fancy another

Me; another what?

“C” drink another drink – drank all mine an I’m fuckin thirsty and ask em to put more ice in it as well tight arsed twats two pieces of fuckin ice don’t even hit sides

Me; ok but you go slower with the drinks or you won’t be able to do the bingo – A voice came over the PA system informing us that the first game was to start in 10 minutes.

“C” Get two lots of drinks will yous, don’t wanna be missing any games

Me; right give me some money I aint paying for your drinks all night

“C” fuckin ellllllllllllllllll you callin me a tight arse now are yous

Me; no I’m just saying you’re drinking like a fish and I’m not paying for it all

“C” throws a £20 note at me and tells me to get her three drinks not two and make them doubles

Me; if you get drunk I’m out of here – Gets back from the bar with a tray of drinks three for her  and a big glass of ice.

The bingo caller is now telling the people what order the games will be played in, i.e. which colour tickets are for which game so the players can put them in order. Needless to say “C” gets completely confused with it all and I put them in order for her then give her the first one to be played.

Bingo caller; four and two 42

“C” got it

Bingo caller; 59 the Brighton line

“C” the fuck what line

Me; shush it was 59

“C” so where does a line fuckin come into it then

Me; shussssssssssh

Bingo caller; two and three 23

“C” fuck I got 22

Me; will you shut up

Bingo caller; seven and six 76

“C” naw

Bingo caller; two little ducks 22


Bingo caller; we have a claim over there – (pointing in our direction) and a young lad comes running up to us and ask whose ticket,

Me; not mine

“C” not me

The lad duly tells the caller it’s a false claim and runs of.

Bingo caller; eight and three 83

Bingo caller; one and two 12

Bingo caller; two fat ladies 88

“C” I can’t fuckin keep up with this twat what was after 83

Me; 12 and 88

“C” yer what

Bingo caller; nine oh 90

“C” for fucks sake I got 12 what the fucks after that

Me; 88 and 90

“C” 88 and what

Me; 90

Bingo caller; We have a claim for a line – young girl runs up to someone and starts reading out the numbers

“C” this fucker goes to quick I can’t fuckin keep up tell him to slow down

~Me; I can’t do that if you watch that screen over there the number comes up before he says it and you can do it a bit slower and keep up

“C” Oh ok

Bingo caller; the lady has won £10 let continue for two lines, on its own number one, one and five 15, six oh blind 60,

“C” what the fuck he talkin about a line

Me; you play for one line then two lines then full house

“C” what all on same page

Me; yeah course on the same page


Me; what

“C” ive started a new twattin page

Me; you’ve WHAT

Someone calls HOUSE and the game comes to a halt
“C” I’ve started a new page I didn’t fuckin know it was same fuckin page no-one told me fuck all (drinks a full drink in two large swallows) shit

Me; you dozy bugger leave it now and you can try the next game instead.

“C” but I’ve paid for this fuckin game and I’m gonna play it

Me; but you haven’t got the numbers and I can’t remember them

“C” this is twattin my head up this is – fuckin bingo whose fuckin idea was it to come to fuckin BINGOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (clears another drink at a rapid pace of knots)

Me; don’t start

Bingo caller; another lucky winner the lady won £25 for two lines we are now playing for the full house which has a prize of £100

“C” fuck her

Bingo caller; nine and seven 97, three and two 32, one and nine 19, three and six 36,

“C” yous got that you GOT THAT

Me; shushhhhhh I know

Bingo caller; seven and five 75, key of the door 21,

“C” you got that look look YOU GOT THAT

Me; stop it

HOUSE – someone calls the game – game ends

Me; right here’s your next ticket, use this different coloured pen so you don’t get mixed up with the other game and DON’T change tickets till I tell you – ok ?

“C” right so I gotta get line 1st then 2 lines then a full house

Me; yeah got it, and stop yapping it’s distracting

“C” fuck of you miserable twat – downs the third drink

Me; I’m not being miserable but I’m trying to hear the numbers and listen to you at the same time so just stop talkin when the game starts that’s all

“c” ok keep ya knickers on – anyhow how do I do this ticket when I’ve already marked some numbers of it,

Me; here play mine and I’ll play the damaged one

“C” naw fuck it I’ll miss this one and go to the bar you want another one

Me; no I’m ok thanks

“C” right cya in a bit – “C” waltzes of to the bar and the new game begins……….
Halfway through the new game and “C” is still at the bar and I’m enjoying the game, we are now at the “full house” and I’m four numbers away. All of a sudden you hear this Liverpudlian voice echo all around the bingo hall FUCK IN ELL YOUS JOKIN ARNT YOUS, then a roaring of laughter. I look towards the bar and there is “C” in her element having a ball with the barman who by the way is trying to hush her up,” FUCK IT ITS ONLY A GAME who gives a fuck – that idiot rolls those fuckin numbers out like a fuckin fruit machine I can’t keep up with the twat”
the bingo caller is waiting to start the full house game, and he is glaring towards the bar area……..tap tap tap on the microphone……..tap tap tap………”right ladies and gentlemen we can now begin the full house game, he starts calling out the numbers, I forget the game and I’m watching “C”

“C” (screaming laughin and merrily wasted – she has by now had the equivalent of 10 vodka’s and four red bulls )

“C” fuckin fat ducks and lines an twattin keys what the fuck is he on” (several people now going shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh towards the bar
The barman is doing his best to try and quieten “C” down and he pours her another drink and is obviously talking quietly to her because she is leaning right over the bar with her feet hanging down to hear him,

“C” whah WHAH – I can’t hear yous WHAHHHHHH and climbs further over the bar knocking an ice bucket on the tiled floor of the bar, I swear every single piece of ice literally bounced like a metal ball and the noise “pounded” round the whole hall.

HOUSE – the game ended

I go up went to the bar and dragged her of it and told her if she carries on I’m gonna throttle her and to get back to her seat and shut the fuck up.

“C” what the fucks up wiv yous I was havin a laugh that’s all, can’t I even have a fuckin laugh these days, hang on I wanna a drink – hang on hang on – fuck of and let go of me – vodka and redbull please make it a double.

Me; not in here you can’t people are trying to play bingo and they have paid to play so shut it – we go back to our table

Now a smartly dressed guy comes up to us and introduces himself as the manager, he very quietly and politely tells “us” that “we” have to consider the other people in the hall tonight who are playing bingo and that they want a quiet atmosphere to be able to hear the numbers and not be distracted. If “we” keep disrupting the games then “we” would be asked to leave.

“C” who the fuck are yous talkin to

Manager; I’m just trying to explain that people are here to play a game and enjoy playing it without disruptions, and I would appreciate less bad language please

“C” Yeah sorry bout that an all – she just told me I was making too much fuckin noise so I will shut the fuck up – sorry an all that OK ?

Manager; OK – walks away shaking his head

“C” he can fuck right of I’ve spent a fuckin fortune in ere tonight and I’m enjoyin meself – t-w-a-t – necks her drink and promptly goes to buy another one and comes back with two. What she doesn’t notice is the glaring daggers being aimed at her as she walks past people; I meanwhile am getting smaller and smaller in my seat.

“C” I’m enjoyin these drinks, been ages since I had a good session, right whats happenin – whats next

Me; They are going to start again in about five minutes and if you move so much as one muscle in the wrong direction or say one word out of place – then I’m gone, everyone is getting pissed off with you and it’s not funny. Got it ????

“C” I aint done nuthin wrong what the fucks up with yous, I’ve had a couple of drinks an a laugh wiv the barman what the fucks wrong wiv THAT you miserable twat

Me; and the ice bucket

“C” (loud now) It was a fuckin accident, I didn’t know it was there, I had to climb on the twattin bar cause I couldn’t hear him, I can’t help being fuckin short for fuck sakes how I’m supposed to hear him go on tell me THAT

Me; leave it now the game is starting in a minute have you got your tickets

“C” fuck the tickets, I aint playin

Me; ok don’t play you don’t have to, just keep quiet

“C” “fuck this for a game of soldiers”,

she lights up a ciggie and sits sulking in the chair.
The game starts, we get through three sets of games without interruption then “C” decides enough is enough and again heads of to the bar as she has drank her drinks and decides she wants another one.
By now she is totally wasted and as she staggers to the bar ciggie in hand she is laughing to herself all the way and it’s like a production line of shhhhhh shhhhhh shhhhhh as she passes every table. Just as she gets to the bar she turns around and yells “shhhhhhhhhh you fuckin selves you miserable bastards” – as she hits the bar she totally misses the bar stool and ends up on her arse, and glaring round like some mad woman yells out “who the fuck did that” the barman runs round helps pick her up and sits her on the stool, you could hear this muttering and cursing but not quite make out what was being said, the barman’s body language alone said it all. Anyway it seemed to have the desired effect she quietened down and all that could be heard was the occasional giggling and murmuring between her and the barman.
The games continued on and the last one finished. I cleared up the table of all our stuff and went over to the bar, by now “C” was (in her words) completely “twatted”. It took me and the barman to pour her into the car and she telling me what a fuckin great night she was having and we should do this every week.

Not in my lifetime on the next planet – I tell her !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“C” wasn’t used to drinking a lot but when she went for it – it was of marathon proportions – the next day she had absolutely no recollection of the nights events and the hangover from hell. I told her I wasn’t surprised she had a hangover and that it was such a shame she hadn’t liked the bingo and that she had made me promise her we would never ever go again. JOB DONE ………………………
I have never been back to that bingo hall and I never ever will……………………..

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment

ME&C – The Hearing Aid

ME&C – The Hearing Aid

Over a period of several years it became slowly obvious that “P” was hard of hearing and it was getting worse on a daily basis, not that she would admit it, oh no, a typical conversation would go like;

Me; I need to get to the shops today and I wondered if you wanted anything or want to come with me

“P” What

Me; I need to get to the shops today and I wondered if you wanted anything or want to come with me

“P” I did the front garden yesterday moved a few of the plants around and some fucker nicked me garden lights you know the ones that I got from the pound shop

Me; Well do you want anything or do you want me to come and pick you up?

“P” If I get me hands on the twats I’m gonna wring their fuckin necks I liked those lights and the pound shop have sold out of em so I can’t get anymore

Me; they might do at some point don’t be worrying.

“P” Pissed of

Me; well are you coming or what







“P” Why you shouting

Me; I’m not

“P” Speak up will yous summat must be up wiv your phone AGAIN


“P” Go on start again why dontcha there’s fuck all wrong wiv me ears, it’s your fuckin phone

Me; What do you want to do – come with me or not


Me; Look don’t worry I can’t go now – I’ve got a banging headache – speak later – bye

FINALLY – talked “P” into getting a hearing aid, only took me 3 years but the day arrived when she went to see the hearing specialist, that scenario will go down in medical reference encyclopaedia’s under the heading “How to convince a patient that is deaf she needs a hearing aid – and keep your sanity” one and a half hour later she stormed out of his office, cursing and swearing like a trooper and the specialist leaning against the office door looking in total shock. At one stage of the ear examination the doctor has asked her why she could hear everything he said, she told him she was lip reading him, (she can do this with ease – imagine a hawk staring at its prey) he then apparently went round to her back and started speaking, of course she couldn’t hear him and when he commented on this to her face, her reply was “well what the fuck you expect, I aint got fuckin eyes in the back of me head ave I” and then started cursing under her breath – what “P” never realises is that her “talking under her breath” is LOUD because she can’t hear herself, so she SHOUTS. I think the shocked looked displayed by this doctor was due to her “talking under her breath” and the words cunt, twat, arlearse, fuckin idiot, dickhead and bastard were mere drops in the ocean of what she called him “under her breath”.

Anyway she was fitted with a top of the range hearing aid, she got the fright of her life for the first few days when suddenly she could hear conversations that were not for her ears, from people she did not know, imagine the look of sheer shock, terror, surprise and outrage when she would go across to the said people and tell them what she thought they should do, go, be or say.  Suffice to say she eventually got it tuned into the right hearing level and the good people of Liverpool were safe from the unprecedented verbal assaults of some outraged woman who could hear them from twenty paces away.

However, our telephone calls were still a continual battle, she would let me rattle on and on about whatever I was speaking about – sometimes for several minutes, and then say to me “WHAT” so I would repeat whatever I had said, again;

“P” What

Me; have you got your hearing aid in



“P” err no I’ve lost it

Me; Call me when you find it then, cause I can’t do this anymore

Many times she would pretend to not have the hearing aid in and when I would eventually start screaming down the phone at her and threatening her with what I was going to do to her when I got my hands on her, she used to scream laughing and say “gotcha” – honestly she is lucky to be alive.

“P” would leave her hearing aid in the most obscure places, the window sill, under the sofa, in a bedroom drawer, in a kitchen drawer, in the spaghetti jar, tucked up inside a sock she didn’t wear, (that was only found about three months ago – she has had two new ones since) to name a few, it didn’t matter she had a special case for it to keep it safe, the case went unused – and still is.

To date she has had, in less than two years, five hearing aids, all of them lost or misplaced and never her fault.

The hearing department nurse at the hospital now gives “P” appointments at 8am in the morning, and no matter how she tries, or what she says, every other appointment for the next three months is fully booked up.  “P” showed me a letter from them the one day and on the back (in very small lettering) it clearly stated the opening hours were from 9am !!!!!!!! “P” to date, has not noticed this information. God help them if she ever does.

Posted in ME&P | 1 Comment

ME&P – My Birthday Party


ME & P – My Birthday Party

On my 50th birthday it was decided I should have a party to end all parties, I had decided to do a BBQ and spent weeks shopping and preparing food for the BBQ.  I had stayed up all night before the party preparing the meat, marinating, kebabs, salads, the list was endless, there were to be about 50 or more guests and some of them had travelled quite far to see me.

“P” had decided she was buying me a birthday cake, and she had been talking of it for about two weeks, it was a “secret” she told me, so I couldn’t see it or know what it was like, I happily went along with all of this, it kept a grin on her face and I thought it was a lovely idea.

One week before party;

“P”; You do want a cake dontcha, I mean if yous don’t want one just say

Me; Course I want one it’s a brilliant idea and a lovely present

“P”;  Ok, well I’ve ordered it and its being made by this woman who makes cakes

Me; Sounds good

“P”; Do you think she will do it alright, I’ll go fuckin crazy if she don’t

Me; I’m sure she will so stop worrying

“P”; Yous don’t think you too old for a birthday cake, cause I couldn’t think of anything else that would be special like, I got you a pressie but wanted to get yous summat else

Me; Naw a birthday is a birthday isn’t it?

“P” Yeah but you 50 now – don’t want yous thinkin you too old for a birthday cake

Me; (getting irritable) No I’m not too old for a birthday cake

“P” All fuckin right I was just askin don’t want you getting fuckin offended like

Me; I’m not offended at all I think it’s a lovely thing to do

“P” Well if you think you too old then just say like


“P” Fuck me I can’t even ask a civilised fuckin question fuck it yous getting a birthday cake cause its ordered now

Me; that’s great

Day of Party

I had about 30 people (I lived in a BIG space) there and I had been running around all day, I now went and had a shower, did my hair and got changed for the party, it was about 5.30pm. At about 6.30pm “P” rocked up loaded down with parcels, bags and carrier bags, and a BIG white box balanced very precariously between all the above. She dropped all the bags and she put the box on the table set up with all the food,

“P” Fuckin ell, don’t know how I got here those twatting bags, full of shit the lot of em, don’t even know why I’ve got em, (“P” well known for having millions of bags with shite in them) anyways got summat to tell yous,

Me; So tell me what’s up

“P” That fuckin cake,

Me; The cake, is that it in the box – what’s wrong with it?

“P” Nooooooooooo nuthin wrong wiv the fuckin thing, well not really, don’t think you would notice so it don’t matter

Me; Don’t worry its gonna be fine, I think it’s a lovely thing to do

“P” Yeah whatever, fuckin cake woman, I could fucking swing fer her

Me; Why what’s she done

“P” Nowt

Me; ok

“P” Stupid twat she is – I paid her upfront as well the fuckin arlearse she is (liverpudlian slang for arsehole)

“P” wanders of muttering and sorting out all her bags and as usual putting her stuff in the most obscure places that takes hours to find again.

Anyway its now about 9pm and the party starting with a bang, everyone having a blast and at about 10pm “P” decides it’s time the cake came out so she and another person helping her get the cake out of the box, I can see them muttering between themselves and I hear “P” say “she won’t notice, what the fuck am I supposed to fuckin do anyhows” I get called across to the cake and their in all its frilled, iced, and magnificent glory is a massive square cake with 50 candles all lit that says loud and boldly in BIG red letters


Pauline? My name is SUE

Me; looking at “P” who the hell is Pauline?

“P” im gonna twat that fucker

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment



It’s Saturday and I’ve driven through to “P’s” house to spend the weekend with her to enable me to get everything ready without any rushing about (nice dream while it lasted) for the Big Day on Monday. I’ve got all my stuff with me including all hair stuff to do “P’s” hair.

Me; right let’s get your hair done

“P” ok should I wash it first

Me; no just wet it cause I’m gonna cut it first then dry it then put streaks in, don’t use any shampoo or conditioner – just wet it with water.

“P” ok – and she trots of upstairs to bathroom where I hear taps running. 20 minutes later I call up to her to see where she is and what’s she doing.

“P” be down I a minute just doin last rinse

Me; what you mean last rinse ????

“P” this fucking conditioner needs rinsing out I’ve nearly finished – she then appears with hair dripping all over the place – no towel.

Me; what have you done, did you wash your hair, I told you NOT to wash your HAIR

“P” it needed a fuckin washin

Me; but I told you not to put shampoo and conditioner on it before I did the streaks, well you screwed it right up now

“P” fucksakes I only fuckin washed it, what the fuck wrong wiv ya

Me; never mind I will cut it today and do streaks tomorrow

“P” no do the streaks today

Me; no cause last time you washed it and I did streaks they didn’t take properly and you went of like an exocet missile and I aint up for it again

“P” of fuckin whatever if yous don’t wanna do it then DON’T FUCKIN do it, you just like the twattin rest of those fucking twattin hairdressers who fuck it up and then blame me I’m fuckin sick of it I am FUCKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Me; tells her to sit down, gets scissors and starts cutting her hair ask her if she wants it like I usually do it and she says yep, you always do it just right she says. I’ve got to the part where hair is cut and dried of and now have put cap on to pull hair to be streaked through, with much cursing and yelling said hair is pulled through said cap. I’ve mixed up the stuff for her streaks and I star applying said “stuff”.

“P” 2minutes on – is it done yet

Me; no its nowhere near done another 20 minutes yet

“P” 4 minutes on – what bout now – is it done

Me; no another 16 minutes yet

“P” 5 minutes – im getting fuckin sick of this is it fuckin done yet jesus how much fuckin longer

Me; half an hour yet (grinning to myself)(had to say it)

“P” half a fukin twattin hour yous said it was fuckin 16 minutes you fuckin liar, fuck this im washin it out it done now – yous don’t fuckin know what yous talkin about yous making it fuckin up as yous go along you fuckin dozy cunt

Me; now laughin – sorry I was just winding you up – another 10 minutes or so yet

“P” fuckoff you twat right that’s it, yous just wanna make me look a right twat in front of lizzie and it aint happening fuck of why dontcha

Me; lizzie ?

“P” the FUCKIN QUEEN lizzieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Me; why would she notice YOUR hair and what if she did, like there is fat chance of it happening????

“P” cause we goin to fuckin see her so if we fuckin see her she will fuckin see US and I’ll end up wiv fuckin hair like a fuckin haystack and YOU YOUS (pointing a “furious” finger at me) miss fuckin priss will look like lady fuckin muck from fuckin turd fuckin hall and I’ll end up looking like your fuckin kitchen fuckin maid FUCKOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

She storms of upstairs and I hear the taps running and yell up to her if you wash it of now it won’t be right

“P” a very watery gurgling – FUCK (cough) OFF it’ll be (cough cough) right

Me; leaves her to it

She lands downstairs wringing wet from head to toe complaining bitterly that the fuckin water gets every-fuckin-where and coughing profusely from water inhalation. I blow dry and style her hair and that’s that – well nearly………….

“P” juggling with two mirrors to see all her head – can’t see any fuckin streaks in it, what the fuck you done there aint any fuckin streaks in it, you half rip me fucking scalp of and there aint a FUCKIN STREAK IN SIGHT.

Me; I told you not to wash your hair and I told you not to wash colour of and I told you what would happen if you did and its happened so sit with it

“P” you twat – she now looks like a volcano ready to burst forth, there is a purple vein on her forehead that’s pulsating at a rapid rate of knots and her ears are twitching involuntary.

Me; look I told you what would happen but you never listen do you, so this is what happens, if you want we will go and buy more stuff and do it again tomorrow, we can’t do it again today because I’m not up for it,

“P” yeah it gotta be fuckin done it’s a right show as it is and I aint going fuckin (roars) NOWHERE with me hair like this fuckin trainsmash. (nothing wrong with her hair just streaks don’t show).

“P” fucking queen – I’ll fuckin queen her – and as for that fucker with her well he can go fuck himself right of.

Me; who?????

“P” that fuckin outta work fuckin greek THAT’S WHO


“P” fuckin prince fuckin prancing fuckin phillip THAT’S WHO

Me; oh ok

Cutting it short we got the stuff the next day and I did it all over again, the hair looked great and she was happy, I made sure all our outfits were ready, hung them up and everything was sorted. We ordered a Chinese takeaway that night and had it delivered and the only upset caused was the chips were not quite “right” she also ate (and thoroughly enjoyed) half of my sweet and sour prawn balls before I informed her that she had mine and I had hers, (pork) she threw the lot down onto the coffee table screeching she don’t eat fuckin prawns she hates em can’t stand the fuckin taste of em and told me I’d done it on fuckin purpose. I finished the pork ones telling her to calm down I was winding her up and she picked it all up and ate the bloody lot.

Monday arrives and about 11am and after she has had a bath, I blow dry her hair again and its ready for the evening and I won’t have to bother with it again. I know this because she has put that much hair spray on it its rock solid and not an atom bomb going off would move a single hair on her head. You could build a house on her head and it would hold up. In fact if she turned her head to one side quickly her hair would still stay right where it had started off. 3.00pm I get myself ready do hair, make up and generally tittify myself up. 4.00pm I tell “P” right let’s get out outfits on, we have to be at the theatre by 5.30pm even though the show don’t start till much later all the audience has to be in and seated well before the Queen arrives.

“P” why we have to go so fuckin early im knackered as it is

Me; it’s the rules

“P” fuck the rules

Me; hurry up let’s get goin I’ll phone a cab

“P” naw we can get bus over the road, its take 10 minutes to there

Me; you sure

“P” of course I’m sure what you think I fuckin am a fuckin idiot

4.30 we stood at said bus stop in all our finery and looking so out of place its actually painful. There are two young kids (about 6 and 9) with their mom at the said bus stop who look at us intently, up and down then up and down again, the elder one turn to her mom and says “hey mum look at them two all dressed up like who do they fink they are like – where they goin mum” I look at said kid and smile, “P” glares at same said kid, I tell the kid we are going to see the queen, this kids look directly at me and without a pause for breath tell me “fuck of the only queen I know lives two doors down and he’s a man who wears girls clothes skirts an stuff and you aint all dressed up like that to go see airy mary yous off yer head”. “P” (still glaring at said kid) cheeky little twat none of your fuckin business where we’s goin and don’t fuckin swear at my friend like that it aint respectful, ya cheeky little fucker – “P” turns to me – ignore the little twat she full-o-shit. The bus duly rattles up and we get on it, the journey is pretty peaceful but then it’s only a 10 minute journey.

We arrive outside the theatre and “P” looks for the “red carpet” and her sister, brother-in-law and nephew. I tell her never mind any of that lets just go in and we will see them inside because all our seats are together.

“P” but I wanna see the queen

Me; you going to see her – when we are inside

“P” yeah but we could get a good view from here

Me’ yeah and if we do that we won’t be able to go in we have to get through the security and be in before the queen gets here

“P” so all that fuckin money for a ticket for the fuckin queen and we can’t get to fuckin see twatting sight nor sound of her it aint fuckin right it aint fuckin fair we pay all this fuckin money and we get to see fuckin NOWT

Head of doormen and some gentlemen in black suits with radio things stuck in their ears are now turning to look at “P”

Me; (between my teeth and with a permo-fix smile) shut the fuck up or we will be carted

“P” carted?????? Why would we be fuckin CARTED im just sayin I wanna see the fuckin QUEEN I’ve paid me fuckin money now I wanna fuckin see her

Me; shut up just get in through those doors NOW

“P” starts towards the doors and as we pass a doorman she stops dead in her tracks and I bump into the back of her, “when do we get to see the queen – she asks this guy – he says he is not sure but he feels sure she will once the show starts and the queen is in the theatre. Turning to me “P“ says – Fuckin great not even the fuckin hired help can help us, what a fuckin rip off. I physically push her forwards as I can see my chances of this show slipping away very quickly.

We hit the theatre bar and “P” orders a drink and when the bill is presented she promptly tell the barman that it’s a drink she wants not to buy the fuckin theatre – I pay.

We now in our seats and “P” is busy looking all around her and starts taking the pee out of anyone she thinks its “lordin it” telling anyone who will listen that (in her “posh” voice) that one does not want one to mix with the rabble and one would be (note spelling) fecking better off if they threw em all out. Her sister – sat next to her grabs her jacket pulls her down to her seat and eye ball to eye ball threatens her that if she opens her gob once more she will fuckin duct tape it up and then she will only see the fuckin show hanging from the fuckin chandelier because she will fucking fling her up there and wont fucking come back for her for a fucking week. Now sit down and shut the fuck up. “P” sits down and shuts up. Her sister, looking like an uncomfortable glitter ball with a faux fur wrap turns to the people around her and “smiles”.

The show was amazing , fabulous, the best show I’ve ever been to and I will remember it all my life, “P” danced in her chair, clapped, whistled, cheered and generally had a ball. We did catch a small glimpse of the queen and I was happy with that. The show ends and we leave the theatre say goodbye to her sister and family and head home.

“P” let’s go have a quick drink its bin a fucking great night

Me; yeah ok where should we go

“P” follow me

After a 10 minute walk she leads me down this alley, its dark, dirty and look like a place nobody in their right mind would even think of walking down, on the right hand side I notice a really dirty window with leaded glass with a manky yellow light coming out from it, next to it is a door that “P” walks through, I duly follow, we enter this pub that you would not in a million years think would be behind this door, its 3 floors and “P makes me get up to the 3rd floor. She asks me what do I want to drink and then orders, what I didn’t know was this pub has a 3 for 1 policy and I get nearly a pint glass of vodka and tonic water, she has vodka and red bull, (triple) she downs it like a thirsty beached whale and orders herself another one, after three more of these drinks (I’m still not even a quarter way down my 1st drink) she turns her back to the bar, gets herself stood on a table, holds up her glass and yells…….

“here’s to the fuckin queen – and the outta work Greek, – miserable cunts didn’t even notice me HAIR” TWATSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment

ME&P – Shopping for Royal Variety Show Performance

Me and “P” – The Royal Variety Performance

(Shopping for RVP outfits)

2007 RVP – “P’s” sister has got us tickets for this, I was so excited I’ve watched this for years and never ever thought I would actually be part of the audience. “P” is subdued.

Me: I can’t wait to go

“P” yeah

ME; I’m dead excited

“P” yeah

Me; What’s up

“P” nowt

ME; yes there is what’s up

“P” told ya nowt

Me; ok forget I asked

“P” fuck off

Me; charming

“P” well what d’ya want me to do dance a fuckin jig

Me; right last time im asking you – WHATS UP

“P” what am I gonna wear

Me; clothes ?????

“P” oh fuck of you sarky cow

Me; look we can go shopping, have a day out doing it, we could have some fun (spoke far to soon)

“P” yeah I suppose – when?

Me; whenever you want let’s see – hows about Friday

“P” that 3 weeks before the RVP

Me; yeah and ???????

“P” ok let’s go Friday

Friday arrives and after picking “P” up from her house and going back several times for keys (lucky I had spare set), wallet, ciggies, mobile phone, library card she didn’t have in wallet (?), and FINALLY (because I completely lost the plot), her bank card, because she had wrong one in her wallet and so we set of too major shopping centre.

1st store we hit is the one that has -This is no ordinary high priced for shit store – this is a **** & **** high priced for shit store.

We start to look around at various clothes and I find something pretty quickly, I try it on and I buy it, job done.

“P” dunno how you do it,

Me; do what

“P” walk in a fuckin shop and get summat right away and it fuckin fits

Me; can you see anything you like

“P” can I fuck

Me; what about that black suit you always say you like the one twiggy models on TV (“P” won’t wear dresses)

“P” yeah that’s an idea let’s find it

Me; right ok would suit you really well

“P” SUE HERE IT IS (roars)

I go over and “P” is holding up said suit in front of her and is checkin it out in front of a mirror

Me; go try it on

“P” ok – off she goes to changing room the nice lady shop assistant (SA) gives her a 2 item card (it’s a suit) and “P” glares at her

“P” I aint got 2 items I got 1

SA; no it’s a suit my dear 2 items – it’s a lovely suit isn’t it – its flying of the shelves

“P” I got 1 fuckin item

SA; no its 2 items my dear I can assure you

“P” well you can’t fuckin count then cause I got 1 item on 1 fuckin coat hanger

Me; just get in and try it on will you – don’t start

“P” well I ask ya next you know they’ll stop me for fucking shoplifting cause I got a ticket that sez 2 items and I only got 1 fuckin suit on 1 fuckin coat hanger – cant fuckin win

Me; they wont

“P” like yous will care if they fuckin do – stomps of muttering

Me; waiting patiently outside cubicle – 15 mins go by – “Hows it goin “P”

“P”; ok

Me; let’s see what it looks like then – curtain “slams” open

Me; WOW it look great on you

“P” Naw I reckon its shite (proceeds to list a whole lengthy list of reasons it looks shite and not one of them apart from trousers to long are the truth)

Me; no it look great on you honestly it does – love the lapels

“P” fuck the lapels they got fuckin shiny bits on em

Me; no its just the edges lined in satin – it looks really smart

“P” fuck of yous would have me look a right twat in front of fuckin lizzy slap cabbage

Me; WHO ?????

“P” the fuckin queen

Me; oh ok (lizzy slap cabbage?????) take it off and lets go look for something else

“P” “slams” curtain shut and mutter mutter mutter

We leave said shop after “P” has handed back the 2 item card, glaring appropriately at said shop assistant and daring her to block her. – she doesn’t – I breathe again.

To save a zillion words on how we for the next 4 hours, zigzagged across this major shopping centre going into every clothing store at least 3 times, (and me trying to find her at least 20 times cause she buggered of on her own mission and it’s just too easy for her to have her mobile phone switched on – NOT) eventually “P” buys a C’D by MIKA and promptly tells me that the one bout the “big girls” reminds her of me – I just as promptly say that whenever i hear “Nobody Loves a Fairy When She’s Forty” strangely has exact same effect on me – about her. End of convo. 5 minutes peace and quiet ensues.

“P” suppose we better go get that suit then

Me; which suit

“P” that one wiv the fuckin shiny bits on it cause I aint seein fuck all else that’ll do

Me; ok (I’d actually forgotton said suit with shiny bits)

“P” Which shop was it in

Me : tells her

“P” let’s go then – hurry the fuck up will ya im getting pissed of wiv this now

Me; gob smacked because it’s her that’s had me walking around like a chicken with no head

Me; you cheeky sod – (see above line)

“P” Just let’s get it done with then we can get the fuck outta here im sick of it

Me; ok it’s at the other end from where we are

“P” fuckin ell whatever cunt does these cuntin shoppin centres are fuckin useless why is it that the twattin place I need to be is ALWAYS at the fuckin other end of where I fuckin am

Me yeah I totally agree with you and it always seems to be when I’m with you

“P” fuck off

In said shop and “P” got hold of suit and looking at it AGAIN

Me; it looks really great “P” im glad you going to get it

“P” what’ll I wear with it – this is a fuckin nightmare – its twattin me head up – im fuckin fed up – we’re not goin, fuck it – we’re not goin – I fuckin mean it – we’re NOT FUCKIN GOIN, fuck the fuckin queen who the fuck is she anyhow, fuckin queen – I’ll fucking “queen” her

Me; (on way to losing the plot) well I’m going and if you’ve had me run ragged for nearly 5 bloody hours and then say YOU’RE not goin then DON’T FUCKIN GO BUT JUST KNOW I AM GOING – GOT IT (this all in middle of said shop with everyone looking at us)

“P” (noticing everyone looking at us) what yous all fuckin gawping at I’M NOT FUCKING GOINGGGGGGGGGGG I “(h) ATE” THE FUCKIN QUEEN – people in said shop now totally in awe of “P” and clearly show they think she is just one step away from jackets with lots of belts and buckles on it

Me; that’s it I’ve had enough I’m out of here – I start walking away


Me; marches back up to her and “hisses” into her face – your hair, your hair, I’ll cut the bleedin lot of and tar and feather ya then you’ll have fuckin hair – now stop showing me up

“P” yeah yous fuckin would luv to do that wouldn’t ya – go on then fuckin do it lets see how fuckin clever yous really is yous smart mouthed bastard

Me; don’t tempt me

Me; 10 minutes later and at a fair distance from the now enraged “P” “ I call her – hey “P” come and check this sequinned tie out, it would look gorgeous with that suit

“P” fuck your secins, I don’t fuckin want em

Me; ok but it would look amazing with that suit – I walk slowly away from sequinned tie

“P” can’t resist coming over to check out said sequinned tie – hmmmmmm hmmmmmm these not bad are they – an it got lastic that goes round the neck wont fuckin strangle me will it.

Me; walks back to now calmer “P” – no it would look amazing with that suit – and we get a white blouse with it – stunning

“P” what about me hair

Me; I will do it as I usually do and it will look great as it usually does

“P” you put streaks in and cut it

Me; yep

“P” ok let’s buy suit and tie then – It’ll have to fuckin do wont it

Me; it will look brilliant, let go see if we can find shirt or top that will match up with it

“P” ok

We eventually find a lovely white top that looks amazing with both suit and tie, and FINALLY “P” buys it all and we leave shop – BUT and it’s a BIG BUT – the lady cashier does her job wonderfully and even remembers to tell “P” don’t worry if you not happy with it when you get it home we will give you your money back or exchange it without any questions asked. ME: MOANS LIKE LURCH – AGAIN

As we are going to car park

“P” I did it – and she didn’t even fuckin notice

Me; did what???

“P” got the right size suit

Me; huh size 12 wasn’t it

“P” yeah up top I am – but trousers im size fuckin 10

Me; what have you done

“P” giggling her head of – I swopped em – I fuckin swopped em

Me; swopped WHAT

“P” now in fits of giggles and holding bag out and pointing to it

“P” the suit

Me; I’m not with you what have you swopped

“P” the fucking trousers – I got a 12 jacket and a fuckin 10 trouser and the dozy twat didn’t notice she didn’t check it

Me; so some poor sod is going to get the wrong size suit now and think their boobs have suddenly grown and they’ve lost weight on their bum or the other way round

“P” falls about helplessly laughing now

Me; you’re a bloody hero you are

“P” still screaming laughin

Me; and what if she had noticed and pulled you up

“P” I would have said it was fuckin you that did it

Me; thanks a stack I love you as well

“P” let’s go before they fuckin notice

Me; get in the car

HOME and 2 hours later I’ve taken said trouser hem up for her which involved cutting a piece of hem and re-stitching

“P” they don’t fuckin feel right

Me; what don’t

“P” these trousers they to bleedin tight on me arse

Me; well it’s too late now I’ve altered them – just breathe in a bit

“P” what dya mean breathe fuckin in – I always fuckin breathe in – be a bit fuckin stupid not to fuckin breath in wouldn’t it f-u-c-k-i-n-e-l-l

Me; I meant pull your tummy in

“P” fuck off – I’m taking them back

Me; but you can’t I’ve altered them

“P” tough shit they goin back

Me; well I’m not coming with you – you can go on your own

“P” well you heard her she said I could take em back if I wasn’t fuckin happy wiv em and I’m not so I’m takin em fuckin BACKKKKK

Me; well you’re on your own I’m not going back there

“P” stomps out of the room and all goes quiet, then the front door BANGS shut. About 2 hours later she comes back and proudly holds bag in the air

“P” see you fuckin idiot they changed em – and I didn’t even go back to same bleedin shop I went to the one in town. I told em they didn’t fit and that I had been give the wrong fuckin suit that top was 12 and trouser was 10 and it weren’t right and it was their fault for not checking the fucking stock in 1st place. So they changed em.

Me; didn’t they notice I’d altered them

“P” did they fuck I kept em talkin and every time the woman went to pick em up I grabbed em and started telling her it was a bloody disgrace

Me; ok put them on let’s see if I have to turn these up

“P” puts on trouser and I pin up and alter hem – everything is fine and we put all her outfit on one hanger cover it with big plastic bag and put it away.


To Be Cont……………………..

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment



ME & “P” –  It’s not all fun and games

Ground Rules

1. I own and pay for my landline/mobile phones so I control them.

This rule stemmed from a time when “P” would call me at any hour and then proceed to tell me “who’s there with you” I would tell her there is nobody else with me, she would carry on and on and on that she could hear somebody else in my home, and that I was lying to her etc etc. Eventually I started getting ill because it affected me, I used to dread her calling, I would throw up after her calls, how can you prove that there is nobody in your home to somebody on a telephone. Impossible. SO I called her the one day and told her the following;

(a) Even if there was somebody in my home when she calls then it was of no business of hers, that I could have who the hell I liked in my home. That I was not answerable to her nor did I need her permission to do anything in my life.

(b) I told her I pay for my phone/s I own them, so I control them, and if I don’t feel like answering them then I won’t, I told her of the effects it was having on my health and then said that I have now put a special ring on my phones so that when she calls I know it is her. I said that if she continues to harass me with this shit then I would simply not answer her calls at all. I also told her that I didn’t want to hear from her for 2 weeks so that she could chew it over in her mind and decide what she wanted to do, call me and be nice, or basically fuck of and leave me alone. After the 2 weeks (to the minute) she called me, said she was really sorry and that it would never happen again, true to her word it has never happened since. BUT the ground rule stays.

2. I can pick my own friends I don’t help on this.

This stems from “P” meeting various friends of mine and basically ripping them apart after they have left or at another time. She would hone in on the most ridiculous pieces of crap and I found myself having to defend not only my friends but my choice of friends. SO again I confronted her and told her that what she was doing was going to cost her my friendship, if she didn’t like any of my friends – that was fine – but I wasn’t open to listening to the continual barrage about them especially the nit-picky shit she was saying i.e. don’t she have funny looking hair, she was staring at me, there’s summat about her/him that I don’t like dunno what it is but you need to be careful of said him/her. I told her that it was fine, if she had so many problems with my friends – we don’t all have to like everyone on the planet, so what I will do to make sure she doesn’t see them again, is that every time I go out with them or have them stay over – she won’t be invited. (At this stage of my life I had an extremely active social life that “P” loved joining in with) I told her for the next 4 “outings” she wasn’t invited, (that took 2 weeks) and at the end of the 4 banned outings I asked her if she was happy being left out. She was totally teed off, so I asked her if she was going to stop her nonsense. She promised to stop it and she came with me on every other social event. She still – now and then – forgets her little self a bit – but this ground rule is her reminder of what she can and can’t do in my life.


3. This is my home – not yours

This stems from when “P” visits me and stays for a weekend i.e. from Friday night till Monday morning. The weekend stays got longer and longer and eventually ended up lasting in excess of 5 days or more. I started finding it very exhausting, cooking, cleaning, lack of privacy, then at the end of her visit trying to find everything she had brought with her and had squirreled away it the most obscure places. It just got too much for me to cope with. SO I had her sit down and I told her that as much as I loved her to bits, and as much as I loved having her visit, that it was getting too much for me, that I needed some time for myself, that my life didn’t revolve around making food that she would critise in some way or other i.e. I don’t like garlic, my reply, well you have ate every time you have been here over the last 10 yrs and she would grin at me. She also would just fall asleep around 6.30pm-ish and snore very loudly throughout the evening, I’m sorry to admit it – but it drove me nutz. I would wake her telling her to stop the snoring and if she was that tired then go to bed, but to no avail, many a night I’ve had to leave her on my sofa and the next morning she would kick off and rant at me because I hadn’t woken her up and let her go to bed.

Anyway to cut it short I told her that she had to stop just turning up every weekend and staying as long as she did. (it has even be known for her to go home on a Friday and turn up again the next day) I also told her that she wasn’t welcome to put all her stuff all around my home, and that from now on in, if she left stuff then she would have to wait till the next time she came to visit to get it back again, up to this point I was either posting stuff, driving through to hers, or listening to her phone calls telling me how desperate she was for whatever she had left behind. It was a nightmare.

She was also told that a “weekend” was just that and not 5/6 days. I also told her that from now on she could come for weekends but only when I invited her and those weekends last from Friday night to Monday morning. So now with this ground rule I have my home back again and when she comes to visit me – I enjoy her visits and out time together. From her last visit to me I have 1 scarf, 1 shoe, 2 pair socks, and a book awaiting her collection.

4. If I want advice I will ask for it – Stop demanding I live the way you want me to

This comes from an overwhelming type of interference that “P” feels perfectly at home with doing. Be it about my kids, my grandkids, my food, my home, my ability to think for myself, again it got too much to cope with and we would end up having terrible rows about any given subject, she felt I should be doing it her way and I know it was never going to happen because it wasn’t what would be good for me. Again after a long conversation and telling her I loved that she cared but that she didn’t have to worry about me in the way she was doing so, we resolved most of this one. She still has the odd gem of “inspirational advice” but it’s not blocking our friendship.

5. I wasn’t born knowing how to make a phone call or use a hammer or change a fuse – I had to learn and so can you.

“P” would call me and carry on and on and on about any given problem she was having and knowing in the end I would give in and do it for her. This also got overwhelming and it started to overshadow my own stuff that needed doing. i.e. the “phone company” she had been calling for months to sort out a £30 payment she had made that went missing. I finally called this company and in less than 7 minutes it was sorted out. What she didn’t admit to initially, was that every time she called them she would lose the plot with them and not listen to what they were saying, she would slam the phone down and then ring back and do exactly the same thing time and time again, till in the end the phone company were fed up of her “abuse” and they told me that they had flagged her up and the instruction was to end the call with her if she got abusive. It eventually got that “P” would try and wear me down to make calls for her to whoever without even trying to resolve the problem herself. It had to stop. I made her bring all her phone problems and numbers with her when she visited me and I showed her how to make the calls, I then started making her call them and deal with them – she does it very well now and I get some peace from it.

6. You are not allowed to just buy me shoes, items of clothing or pound shop stuff – ask me first.

This has been a major thing to sort out. “P” has a very generous heart and its one of the most endearing things about who she is. BUT she can bomb you out with her OCD of pound shops, i.e. my home is quite minimalist and a place for everything and everything in its place, (I can’t afford to be falling over stuff) but “P” insisted on buying me the most amazing amount of crap from pound shops then getting upset when I’d say thanks but no thanks. She would buy the most inappropriate shoes for me (I am a diabetic and can’t afford my feet to get cut etc) and got upset and go in a strop when I told her I can’t wear them, clothing is another thing she insisted on buying for me and our taste in clothes is chalk and cheese. So I don’t wear them. The list is endless. SO we had another talk, and I pointed out to her how much money she was wasting and what she could rather do with that money and buy for herself, I told her that I loved the fact she thought about me but in the same breath I wasn’t going to be made to wear anything that I didn’t like or could hurt my feet (which she avidly agreed about) and I wasn’t going to have stuff in my home that was of no use to me or could harm me. I told her if she really had to buy me anything at all – and I didn’t ever think she had to – then the odd cheap CD now and then would be greatly received. She took this in and with the odd repeat reminder she has basically stopped doing it. I have however got a CD collection that any radio station would be envious of and all neatly and safely packed away in a bookcase. Bless her cotton socks she is a star !!!!!

7. No I’m not going back there – go on your own – don’t even ask

This stems from “Ps” obsessional need to buy something then take it back to the shop either the same day, days later, weeks later or even months later and demand her money back. This is an obsession nobody can deal with, not even her family. Even presents for her birthday and Xmas are taken back and either exchanged (that’s ok) or the money demanded back (that’s not ok). I’ve got clever with this now, and what I do is when I buy her anything (and trust me she lets you know exactly what it is she wants for said gift) I cut out all labels on clothing that give her the clue as to where they have been bought, if its electrical items I never buy items branded with “supermarket own brand names” on packaging. I tell her I’ve thrown away the receipts, and I just refuse to say where I went shopping. I’ve done this for the last 5 years and it has worked, she doesn’t bother asking me now she just enjoys the gift (and that is the strange thing about it all – when she can’t take it back she really enjoys the gift).

The other side of this ground rule is “P” will huff and puff not to buy something she needs, and so when you finally get home tired and worn out she will say “I wish I’d fuckin bought that now” and then follows maybe hours of moaning and groaning that she should have bought it until you agree to give in and take her back to the said shop where the cycle happens over and over and over again. No matter what you say to her – she will do this on a daily basis, again it gets frustrating, time consuming and quite frankly exhausting. So now when she does it I just tell her I’m not interested, that she had her chance to buy whatever it was, and, if she wants it she can get herself of to the said shop and buy it. We have all been guilty of doing this at one time or another, but with “P” it’s again obsessional.

8. Get to the Point

“P” has this way of telling you about a particular item i.e. a typical phone call;

“P” ; I had a man come here today to fix my freezer, his mother of 93 died and he got her house, but then he swapped it for a flat and his cats don’t like the flat so he wants to move somewhere with a garden, and he was in a shop the other day and he got talking to a woman who loves his cats and she told him yeah he should move again cause the cats are unhappy, and his sister blah blah blah blah blah……………………

Me; ”P” did he mend the freezer ?

“P”; Well he said that – oh by the way he told me that his brother worked on cruise ships and that he has a great time on them so blah blah blah blah ………………….

Me; “P” did he fix your freezer

“P”; Well he told me he had to – hey guess what I found out as well he knows a lad I went to school with the one who used to share sweets with me then one day he wouldn’t share em the miserable twat blah blah blah blah………………..


“P” Why you fuckin shoutin yeah course he fuckin fixed it he did a fuckin good job on it as well

Me; then get to the POINT

This type of conversations can last anything up to 2 hours

This ground rule is still in “infancy” stage but we are getting there………………………..

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment



Phone rings and I pick it up – hello ………….

“P” Guess what

Me; what

“P” this fuckin lottery

Me; what lottery

“P” THE lottery

Me; what about it

“P” you won’t believe it – YOU WONT FUCKIN BELIEVE IT

Me; go on I’m listening

“P” number 39 cum up

Me; is that good ?

“P” is it FUCK I got 29

Me; oh ok and…………

“P” 20 came up

Me; and?

“P” I got bastard 19

Me; shame that’s close

“P” well listen to THIS I was one fuckin bastard number away from 33

Me; that’s close

“P” just can’t believe my fuckin twattin bad luck I did 47 and forty fuckin 6 came up

Me; you just can’t win can ya

“P” Tell me bout it – bunch of bastards they are I hate that fuckin lancelot

Me; Lancelot ???????

“P” the fuckin ball machine its fuckin useless

Me; not to worry it’s not like you were close


“P” I put 17 and fuckin 7 came out and I put bastard 9 and they pull out fuckin 10

Me; so you didn’t win then

“P” course I fuckin won

Me; hang on – repeats all the above to her and says “how you work that one out”

“P” You bein thick on purpose or fuckin wat – I came up with three fuckin numbers on Irish Lottery and won 40 quid.

“P” will do same numbers next fuckin week ya never know do ya

Me; Can I rush for the call ?????????????

Posted in ME&P | 1 Comment


Me & “P” The Hormone Patch

This was one of the first times I experienced “P” and (as was to become a regular occurrence) was left gobsmacked. I had just got back into UK after living abroad for several years. I had met her a few times and had enjoyed her company and her sense of humour. I invited her up from where she lives to stay for a weekend at mine along with some other friends.

Whilst I had been overseas I had obtained (private healthcare) HRT patches, and I had brought a 12 month supply back with me – I also didn’t know that they were not available over here. “P” didn’t swear much then mainly because she didn’t know me that well. At that point in my life I had very long naturally curly thick auburn hair.

“P” Why does your hair look so shiny seeing as yous been in a hot country yous think it would be dead dry

Me; I think it’s down to the hormone patches

“P” and your skin is dead healthy looking

Me; is it, it must be the patches then

“P” what patches

Me; the HRT patches I use

“P” whats them then

Me; I have HRT to boost my hormone levels

“P” Hormone levels whats them about

Me; well my doc overseas tested my hormone levels and they were very low, so I’m on the patches

“P” never heard of em – whats them about then

Me; I’ve just told you – they raise my hormone levels to “normal” mine went to low

“P” and they do that to ya hair and skin

Me; yeah apparently it’s a side effect as far as I know

“P” ohhhhh

“P” can I have one

Me; have one what

“P” one of them patch things, me hairs a right mess

Me; they are not for your hair they are for your hormones

“P” Well mine must be low cause me hairs a right show

Me; it’s not about your hair, I can’t give you them just for your hair, you have to get checked out by a doctor first.

“P” Well my doctor is a right prick – he hates me

Me; Huh?

To cut a long drawn out conversation short, she convinces me to let her have one patch, so I show her how to put it on her arm and scheme it can’t do much harm its only hormones. The next day……..

“P” those patches are not so hot I’ve lost the one you gave me

Me; how can you lose it?

“P” dunno it’s come of – I had a shower and its fell of and I can’t find it – I’ve looked everywhere

Me; it shouldn’t do that

“P” well can I have another one cause it hardly had time to work

So I give her another one, and she promply slaps it on her arm – the upshot is she talked me into giving her 10 of them (one a week) and of she goes home. Three weeks later she comes to visit me again……….

“P” those patches are a waste of bloody space

Me; why ??

“P” can’t keep em on, every time I have a shower they fall of and I can’t bleedin find them so I have to put another on

Me; Naw that can’t happen – are you putting them on right

“P” Well I peel the backing of and slap em on me arm what else is there to do wiv em

Me; I don’t understand it, mine have never fall off

“P” they crap so I can’t be arsed wiv em anymore – but me hairs looking and feelin a bit better

Me; how can it be if you losing them

“P” dunno but me hairs a lot better

Me; let’s have a look at your arm maybe something is wrong with your skin

“P” (glaring at me) aint nothing wrong wiv my skin you cheeky swine

Me; Don’t be so touchy – I’m not saying there is anything wrong with your skin I just can’t understand why they are not sticking to you.

“P” takes of her shirt top and throws her arm at me like an avenging sword – see nowt wrong wiv me skin

Me; checks her arm and she’s right not a patch on it and her skin looks fine – BUT as she turns around to put the shirt back on I notice something on her back – hang on a minute I say to her – keep still – I go to check her back and there all over it are 9 patches, all stuck solid – I start to panic and try to rip them off, she is squealing like a stuffed pig and the air turns blue.


Me; they are all over your back no wonder you couldn’t find them

“P” what’s all over me back

Me’ the bloody patches – jesus you have 9 of them on there no wonder your hair is feeling better oh my god you may have overdosed on them – I think we should call a doctor and ask – just to be sure you are ok

“P” Fuck that – its doin me hair the world of good – leave em on

What had actually happened is that every time “P” had put on a patch – she then had a shower, and the patch had “moved” onto varies parts of her back. The patch had not had time to “stick” properly hence she thought they had all fallen of and got lost, she couldn’t feel them on her back.

One after the other and with “P” doing her best to stop me – I peeled the lot of and told her she is not having anymore and that’s THAT.

“P” you’re a miserable tight fisted sod – for fucks sakes I’ve had worse drugs than them in me time but none of em have ever made me hair look so fuckin good – I’m goin to the shop for some fags mutter mutter “patches – who wears fuckin patches anyhow” mutter mutter screw her and her fuckin patches mutter mutter “she can shuv em up her arse” mutter mutter mutter …………………….

Posted in ME&P | Leave a comment



Atos: How are you today

P: Why who wants to fuckin know

Me: be nice P she only asking how you are

P; why wats it got to do wiv her?

Atos; Can you answer the telephone and how do you answer it?

P; yeah – whoever yous is fuck of and leave me alone

Atos; not what I was actually asking but lets try again

P; try wat again?

Me; P don’t get upset now she only asking simple question

Atos; (looking at me) thank you

Atos; (staring intently at puter screen) I would like to know do you watch tv

P; WAT WAT TV course I watch the fuckin tv (looks at me) is she fucking mental

Atos; what tv programmes do you like to watch

P; criminal minds, CSA and crime watch – but I don’t take it all in

Atos; (coughing rather harshly) ok now can I ask you is your friend here your friend


P; W T wat you mean is she my friend course she my bleedin friend

Atos; Well what I mean is is she MORE than just a friend

P; dunno wat ya mean

Me; (getting the picture) sez nowt

Atos; well some people are friends and some people are more than just friends

P; (winding up a treat now stands up and heads to the desk where unfortunate Atos is sitting) what you sayin – you askin me if im one of dem der friggin lesions (means lesbians) you cheeky c*nt

Atos; err no no not necessarily – let’s leave that one

Me; starts laughin and tries very hard not to show it

Atos; please sit down P (then glares at me)

Atos; let me ask you P do you often get aggressive

P; who me ? Wat you mean do I get fuckin aggressive

Atos; well have you ever been admitted to any hospital for agressivness

P; you callin me a fuckin loony are ya – NO I AVNT BIN IN ANY FUCKIN HOSPITAL ALRIGHTTTTT

P; you better watch you sayin or I’ll give ya a fuckin slap

Atos; how would you feel about going to work

P; who ya talkin to NOW

Atos; You P

P; I aint going to work me feet are bad

P; tell her sue tell her how bad me feet are

Me; ok P ok – calm down

Me; her feet are bad – really bad

Atos; think we can end this part of the interview for now


Atos; Now P tell me, what would you do if you got lost or were trying to find your way to somewhere you have not been before ?

P; dunno

Atos; Well think about – you are lost and you want to find where to go

P; I suppose I’d keep quiet like

Atos; I beg your pardon

P; I’d keep quiet

Atos; (looking at me very puzzled) why would you keep quiet, wouldn’t you ask somebody directions

P; no

Atos; so how would you find your way to where you want to go

P; (looks at me and shakes head) I’D KEEP BLEEDIN QUIET

Atos; you’re getting aggressive again P

P; no but you’d try the patience of fuckin saint

Atos; I’m not understanding why you would keep quiet

P; (again looks at me and this time looks up to the heavens) cause I’d be in either me sisters car or sue’s car and they have a sat nav so I’d keep fucking quiet so they could hear what the sat nav was saying so we wouldn’t get FUCKIN LOST – jesus are you thick or summat !

Atos; oh ok (shakes head and looks at me AGAIN)

3rd PART OF INTERVIEW – “Daily Business”

Atos; Well P we are doing very well – now – let’s ask how you go about your daily business

P; it aint none of yours for a start you nosey tw*t

Me; P she only asking you a polite question

P; yeah right go on then (looks at Atos)

Me; tells P to shut up and listen

Atos; do you go out alone are you happy to be on your own outside your home


Atos; looking intently at P waiting for further information

P; none forthcoming

P; look at me and says “I only came here for me fuckin feet”

Atos; Ok P let’s say you are going to the shops

P; when? cause it won’t be today will it with all the time wasting yous are doin

Atos; I won’t be too long now just a few more questions

P; whatever – if I go to the shops then I go wiv me sister

Atos; So what you are saying is that you don’t go out alone

P; NOOOOOOOOOOOO I go wiv me sister how many more fuckin times

Atos; Where do you go

P; Adsa and Aldi

Atos; and do you go into asda and aldi or do you stay in the car

P; (tuts very loudly) I go in wiv her – been waiting to see if those bleeding pork chops are on special again but they weren’t, so I got some bacon instead

Atos; ok ok where do you go alone

P; nowhere – I don’t like people they bump into me and feel like I wanna tw*t em

Atos; so you get aggressive

P; whats all this wiv the fuckin agression – I came her about me feet

Atos; ok we have done the “going out” what about when you are at home

P; what about it

Atos; well let’s say somebody knocks on your door – how do you deal with that

P; All depends who it is, if it’s that bleeding tv licence guy again I fuck him right of there’s nowt worth watching on that fucking thing – just told him like – no you can’t come in ive got visitors and if he shows me up in front of me visitors then he will piss me right of and he must come back another time – then I shut the door

Atos; (totally gob smacked) oh ok I think we will leave it at that

P; you wanna try that aldi at ********** its bleeding good value you know

Me; just wet myself

4th PART OF INTERVIEW – The Doctors Report

P; right are we done

Atos; Not quite

P; fuckin-ell how much more

Me; Shut up

P; why what have I said

Me; to much – way too much

Atos; Lets go onto your illness

P; yeah me feet – bloody hurt summat awful

Atos; Well your doctor’s report doesn’t say anything about your feet

P; then he’s a lyin tw*t cause he hates me

Me; she doesn’t need to hear that and he doesn’t hate you

P; the tw*t does and I hate him as well

Atos; what exactly is wrong with your feet

P; they fuckin hurt and that doctor is a lying low life bastard tw*t

Atos; (looking totally unsure of herself) have you seen a specialist

P; yep – he said me deafness is definite and I got a hearing aid but the fuckin things to loud its blowing me ear drums out

Atos; I was talking about a specialist over your feet

P; I’ve just told ya

Atos; Lets go back to your feet what exactly is the problem with them

P; I’ve t-o-l-d youssssssss they hurt like fuck

Atos; How and where does it hurt?

P; (another extremely loud TUT) where dya think it hurts you idiot – on ME FUCKING FEET

Atos; but there is nothing in your doctor’s report that mentions your feet or to say there is anything wrong with them

P; I told yous that fuckin doctor hates me he’s done it on purpose how the fuck do I know whats wrong wiv em if he won’t tell me – I’m going to that fucking surgery when I get outta here and im gonna fuckin tw*t him puttin me through this shit – I hate him

Atos; we need to sort this out tell me how and where your feet hurt you and does the pain restrict your walking

P; listen im struggling to hear ya, can ya turn that bloody radio of

Atos; what radio (looking around her)

P; THAT ONE THERE on ya desk

Atos; (looks all around her desk stumped) I can’t see any radio P

P; jesus there there THERE – (and points to air dehumifyer) either turn it up or turn the fucking thing of that buzzing noise is drivin me to fuckin drink

Atos; drops her pen, and sits there looking at “P” absolutely stunned !!!!!!!


5th PART OF INTERVIEW- Housing Association

RESUMED INTERVIEW (only after I’ve told P to be clear in her answers and to stop swearing, also to keep focused)

Atos; Hello again P just want to ask do you live alone

P; yep

Atos; how do you cope in the home

P; drives me bleedin nutz

Atos; Do your feet cause you any problems in the home

P; (looks at her like she an alien) me feet ? no not me feet – the bastard house

Atos; Do you think you could explain

P; Well it’s that twattin housing association,

Atos; (looks blank at P) housing association?

P; tuts very loudly – yeah they hate me and I hate them

Me; (thinks – here we go again – she’s on a roll)

Me; focus ‘P’ focus

P; I am I am

Atos; so you live alone – how do you cope in your home, do you have any difficulties

Me: (rolls my eyes and prays to the gods)

P; difficulties you don’t know the arf of it that twattin housing association drives me MAD you wanna know what they did ?? Bunch ‘o’ bastards they are

Atos; Im not sure if I do I think we must get back to the subject in hand

P; I aint got nothing in me hand (holds hands up in air)

Me; P she isn’t asking you if you have anything in your hands

P; ok – I see she turned that bleedin radio of

Atos; Lets go onto something else shall we

P; if ya want – cause you getting me started on that twattin housing association and i cant cope wiv it

Atos; Actually I think we have done as much as we can

P; thank fuck for that me tennis elbow is killin me – hey you not asked me about me tennis elbow

Atos; that’s all for now I think I have another appointment and I am running late

P; (looks at me and says) jesus they drag you in ere for a bloody medical and don’t even let a person explain what the fuck is wrong with em

Me; can we go now

P; yeah you wasted a lot of my time today don’t you have better stuff to do than mither me

As we left the room – P – as usual – left her scarf on her chair – she promptly turns around just as the Atos woman comes out of same room and P runs in and get her scarf, meanwhile I’m watching Atos woman as she goes to the reception and asks for a strong painkiller because she has got a thumping headache, P (now with me) hears this and offers her some paracetamol and tells her “I don’t know how you do this fuckin job – you must get some right nutters …………………………………………….END OF INTERVIEW….. in the car on way home ‘P’ turns to me and says “think i did ok there but for fuckssake for a medical they dont let you answer do they?

Posted in ME&P | 5 Comments